Desperately seeking peace

My last post was speaking of dissociating... I have been having a lot of trouble with it lately, and at times it can be pretty debilitating.  It's also pretty disturbing when it happens to say the least... :-(

So right now I am in Vegas at a competition.  I had a pretty good day yesterday, and most of the day today I have been fine, but tonight I crashed pretty hard.  I'm still having lots of trouble with Shelly's death, and I heard some things that were said about me which were upsetting. I also just feel so alone and like my existence and presence really isn't wanted or needed.  If I could at this very moment switch places with Shelly I would.  I feel like she has more to offer this world and I am just taking up space. 

Of course I'm also really worried about my Grandma, and it's hard to know that my Mom is there with my brother.  I really worry about him hurting her, and I don't know how long she will be there.  I also worry that when my grandma does pass away that my brother will have nothing to live for and will take a huge nose dive.  It's no secret that he's a troubled soul, alcholic, drug addict, and I think either bipolar or schizophrenic.  There's just so much uncertainty that it's really scary.  It also seems like one thing after another keeps happening and I just can't quite handle it all...

On a bright note we don't have any competition tomorrow so we are going to the strip.  I am really excited about this as I have never seen it, and I plan to take lots of pictures.  :-) 

Enough from me for now... Going to try and do something soothing for myself.

What's happening?!

I am off in lala land.  I cannot focus... I cannot come back.  My head hurts so bad... I don't understand what's happening...I am unable to function.  I am trying to pack but I it's taken me hours and I still cannot finish.  I have to leave in the morning... I have to be able to function.  The pressure inside my head is so intense... I feel like my head might explode.  I can see my heartbeats through my eyes. I'm spinning in circles... I am falling.

I'm trying desperately to climb my way back but just as I get to the top I slip and fall again.  Fuzzy... fuzzy... so very, very fuzzy.  I think maybe I should just sleep.  I hope tomorrow things become clear again... I must admit though... I am scared.    

Hospice

Well it's been pretty rough... Last week I had to make the decision to have my beautiful doggie Jackie put to sleep.  It was absolutely heartbreaking, and I will miss her forever.  :-(  Now today I find out that Hospice is being sent for my Grandma... I am kind of in shock, and feel so desperately guilty that I can't be there with her.  I won't get to say "good-bye..." I am heart sick. 

I just don't know how much I can keep going sometimes... Last night I counted out my pills... "Would it be enough?"  "Would it do the trick?"  I really just can't bare all the pain... It all just hurts so much.  I am so alone...