So sad

Tonight I am so so sad... I found out that going to Utah for the reunion might not work out for me, and it seems that it might be time for Jackie to be put to sleep.  Sometimes it all just seems too much for me... I know these aren't catastrophic things and people go through it all the time, but it's enough to throw my world upside down.  It seems like when I start to gain a little momentum then it all unravels again.  Tonight I don't want to continue on... :-( 

Apartments

Today my Mom and I looked at like 8 apartments.  I am very excited that I liked almost all of them, and that I should hopefully have some good options when it's time to move.  I still don't know when that will be quite yet, but I think it will help me to have a goal in mind, (6 months maybe?)  I'm praying it won't be too much longer before I'm out on my own again and living in Scottsdale!  :-) 

Things have been going ok.  I have my moments when I feel like I cannot go on, but I'm also having some good moments.  It's just when I'm down I'm really down... Like Saturday night I was in Tucson and I had a pretty hard night... Lots of bad thoughts, and also had pretty bad nightmares.  I don't remember exactly what the nightmares were, but they seemed very familar to me. It's really wish I could remember my life... There's just a huge blank for most of it.  I can't help but feel that there were things that happened.  I just can't seem to put the pieces together.  I hope someday maybe I can, or that I can move past the feelings at least.

This weekend I made a "Tumblr" account... I wanted to see what it was so I tried it out.  It quickly became really clear to me that I would use that for "thinspo" and "fitspo."  I wasn't able to delete it right away, but last night I did.  I am still obsessing majorly about my body, so I really don't need to add any fuel to that fire, (and Pinterest already triggers me at times).  I guess I just feel that I have been working really hard to get the kind of body I want, and I just really don't see it changing... It makes me feel really frustrated and disgusted with myself.  Perhaps what I want is not realistic, but it seems that lots of other girls are able to do it so why can't I?  I just don't get why my body won't cooperate... It makes me just want to diet and workout like crazy, which of course would probably put me right back where I was this time last year... Hopefully I'll start to see some results soon so I don't have to go to extreme measures.  There is of course a part of me that misses all of that, and of course I really miss the body I had then.  I am trying to listen to my treatment team though, and to stay strong.  It's definitely not easy... Sometimes, (like Saturday night,) I just want to "throw the towel in."  I am pretty darn certain that if I didn't continue to see Betsy and Brina that I would for sure be in big trouble!

Okay well that's all the excitement I have for tonight.  Haha... I know, I know... Super LAME!!

Gah!

So it's been a while again... Some days I feel pretty good, and then the next day I'm a complete disaster.  I wish I could be a little more consistent... I just feel all over the place.  Last week I had a hard therapy session and that night I ended up purging.  I really don't know why... I just became obsessed and couldn't turn off the thoughts.  I was even trying to purge while I was out walking my dogs... I like really didn't care if anyone saw me, (although I did kind of try to hide behind a bush.)  Then last night I had the urge again.  I don't know why this is happening... I worry that maybe my anorexia is morphing... I sure hope not.  :-/

Last Thursday when I was seeing Brina I started really "spacing out."  I wasn't feeling good and nearly lost my ability to function.  It was really embarassing... I felt myself starting to panic and I didn't know what to do.  She ended up getting me a Boost.  Then today when I saw Betsy the same thing started happening about 1/2 way through... This time though I got like the sweats and I had to tell her that I wasn't feeling very well. The rest of today I've been like incredibly hungry and I can't seem to get full... It's terrible and scary.  It all just sucks because I really want to do better, and for the most part I feel like I've tried.  I just get so confused sometimes, and can get off course so easily.  I also feel like my body is betraying me... Like if I slip up even a little the consequences seem extreme.  I just don't know...  I really hope Brina and Betsy aren't too disappointed in me... I worry that maybe they will lose faith in me and give up.  If that happened I would be beyond devastated.

Otherwise I have been staying pretty busy with privates and have been doing lots and lots of driving.  I'm a little worried about how many miles I am putting on my car, but hopefully I'll be able to get my own place sometime in the near future so I don't have to commute so much.  I know I will have to have another job though and that worries me... I'm not sure I can handle having another job.  I have trouble managing myself with even the schedule that I have now... I don't want to live with my Mom and Rich forever though so I hope I can get myself together.  I feel like I am falling and failing.  I am scared.