Gah!

So it's been a while again... Some days I feel pretty good, and then the next day I'm a complete disaster.  I wish I could be a little more consistent... I just feel all over the place.  Last week I had a hard therapy session and that night I ended up purging.  I really don't know why... I just became obsessed and couldn't turn off the thoughts.  I was even trying to purge while I was out walking my dogs... I like really didn't care if anyone saw me, (although I did kind of try to hide behind a bush.)  Then last night I had the urge again.  I don't know why this is happening... I worry that maybe my anorexia is morphing... I sure hope not.  :-/

Last Thursday when I was seeing Brina I started really "spacing out."  I wasn't feeling good and nearly lost my ability to function.  It was really embarassing... I felt myself starting to panic and I didn't know what to do.  She ended up getting me a Boost.  Then today when I saw Betsy the same thing started happening about 1/2 way through... This time though I got like the sweats and I had to tell her that I wasn't feeling very well. The rest of today I've been like incredibly hungry and I can't seem to get full... It's terrible and scary.  It all just sucks because I really want to do better, and for the most part I feel like I've tried.  I just get so confused sometimes, and can get off course so easily.  I also feel like my body is betraying me... Like if I slip up even a little the consequences seem extreme.  I just don't know...  I really hope Brina and Betsy aren't too disappointed in me... I worry that maybe they will lose faith in me and give up.  If that happened I would be beyond devastated.

Otherwise I have been staying pretty busy with privates and have been doing lots and lots of driving.  I'm a little worried about how many miles I am putting on my car, but hopefully I'll be able to get my own place sometime in the near future so I don't have to commute so much.  I know I will have to have another job though and that worries me... I'm not sure I can handle having another job.  I have trouble managing myself with even the schedule that I have now... I don't want to live with my Mom and Rich forever though so I hope I can get myself together.  I feel like I am falling and failing.  I am scared.