Apartments

Today my Mom and I looked at like 8 apartments.  I am very excited that I liked almost all of them, and that I should hopefully have some good options when it's time to move.  I still don't know when that will be quite yet, but I think it will help me to have a goal in mind, (6 months maybe?)  I'm praying it won't be too much longer before I'm out on my own again and living in Scottsdale!  :-) 

Things have been going ok.  I have my moments when I feel like I cannot go on, but I'm also having some good moments.  It's just when I'm down I'm really down... Like Saturday night I was in Tucson and I had a pretty hard night... Lots of bad thoughts, and also had pretty bad nightmares.  I don't remember exactly what the nightmares were, but they seemed very familar to me. It's really wish I could remember my life... There's just a huge blank for most of it.  I can't help but feel that there were things that happened.  I just can't seem to put the pieces together.  I hope someday maybe I can, or that I can move past the feelings at least.

This weekend I made a "Tumblr" account... I wanted to see what it was so I tried it out.  It quickly became really clear to me that I would use that for "thinspo" and "fitspo."  I wasn't able to delete it right away, but last night I did.  I am still obsessing majorly about my body, so I really don't need to add any fuel to that fire, (and Pinterest already triggers me at times).  I guess I just feel that I have been working really hard to get the kind of body I want, and I just really don't see it changing... It makes me feel really frustrated and disgusted with myself.  Perhaps what I want is not realistic, but it seems that lots of other girls are able to do it so why can't I?  I just don't get why my body won't cooperate... It makes me just want to diet and workout like crazy, which of course would probably put me right back where I was this time last year... Hopefully I'll start to see some results soon so I don't have to go to extreme measures.  There is of course a part of me that misses all of that, and of course I really miss the body I had then.  I am trying to listen to my treatment team though, and to stay strong.  It's definitely not easy... Sometimes, (like Saturday night,) I just want to "throw the towel in."  I am pretty darn certain that if I didn't continue to see Betsy and Brina that I would for sure be in big trouble!

Okay well that's all the excitement I have for tonight.  Haha... I know, I know... Super LAME!!