It's been a little while since I've posted last... I guess I don't feel like I've had much to say, or maybe I just say the same things over and over. My life is also pretty damn boring for the most part, and nobody probably reads this anyway...
Regardless I thought I would write for myself just to get some of the thoughts out of my head. Things have been pretty up and down... It's like a crazy roller coaster except it's not fun haha. Anyway, I hit a little rough patch last week when my mom and step dad got into another fight. I don't really know what happened, but they were screaming at each other and it really scares me when they do that. I got really upset and pretty much panicked and left for a little while and sat in the parking lot of Bashas. I just didn't know what to do and I felt so alone... Although I am old enough that this shouldn't really have such a negative effect on me, in that moment I really wanted to die. It seems like when I fall I fall hard and fast, and I hit the bottom hard... It hurts so bad and every time, and I feel it takes a little piece of me away.
I also had a hard time with a therapy session I had last week... My therapist was talking about how in a few months maybe I should join one of the groups they have, and if that is the case then maybe I would be able to see them every other week instead of every week, (to help save money.) Although I would definitely like to try and group and I understand what she was saying, I also completely freaked out, (after the fact of course.) I interpreted it like they have pretty much done everything they can for me and I'm either a lost cause or I'm supposed to be all better now. I also started thinking that perhaps they don't like me and they don't want to work with me anymore and want to get rid of me... I had so many thoughts hit me so fast, and the thoughts are actually still swirling around there taunting me in my weak moments. I still feel like such a mess, and I started thinking that this is it for me... This is as good as it gets. Of course I immediately thought that if this is it I might as well throw the towel in now. What is the point of it all? What exactly am I searching for? I just don't know... It all seems rather hopeless sometimes...
On a positive note I accepted the head coach position at a new club... I am guardedly optimistic I guess you could say. I want to be excited, but I also have doubts, and I have lots of fears that things will turn out badly like they did before. It has all been such a traumatizing experience, and I have certainly lost trust in people. Of course I will try my best and hope for positive results... Perhaps this is all meant to be and it will be a turning point in my life, but what if I'm just setting myself up for more of the same? It's really hard to know what to think and what to believe... I wish I could just be excited and believe in my future!
So yah, that's the way my story reads at the moment. Blah, blah, blah... More of the same old shit. Oh and I don't want to eat dinner, because I'm fat and sad and that will certainly fix everything right?!!
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