Too much time...

Today I have really had way too much free time on my hands... I've been trying to keep myself as busy as possible with various things, (making jewelry, cleaning out drawers, working out, etc.) but tonight I find myself feeling down and in the dumps.  Sometimes I just really start missing people, and at times I miss CFC so much that my heart hurts.  I think I'm missing it extra right now because of the news that I got about Anna's baby... I am so worried about her, and I want so much to be able to connect with her and tell her how much I care.  It's so hard to not be able to... I feel so helpless, and I'm so so very sad.  Sometimes it feels like my body has an infinite amount of sadness in there, and it's just flowing through my veins.  I feel like I could cry for days, hours, weeks, or years.  I feel like I'm breaking into tiny little pieces... I don't know how I'm ever going to be able to feel whole or happy.  I worry that it might just not be possible for me.  I don't think I have what it takes, and it's not fair that someone like me who often wants to die, is healthy and alive, while others are fighting for their lives and dying. It's just really not fair... :-(  Hopefully tomorrow things will look a little bit brighter and I will find some hope and strength within myself again.