Mother's Day

I was having a pretty good day until I got really sad tonight... I'm not exactly sure what happened, but I think I was having thoughts about the possibility that I might never be a Mom, and I was also thinking about Anna...  I just had a flood of intense feelings so I cried for quite a while.  I realized that when I feel things so deeply I have trouble knowing what to do with it... Instead of just accepting the feelings I want to do something, or not do something, (as in self harm or not eating.) The feelings seem like they will never end, and in that moment I simply want to die.  It hurts so much, like there is a hole in my heart that will never be filled.  :-(

Otherwise I guess things are going ok.  Yesterday I coached for 2 different teams, (which was tiring but also fun,) and I think I'm getting closer to making a decision for next season.  It's hard to know for sure what the right move is, but I'm feeling a little more confident about things.  Of course there is still also that looming threat from my old team, but I'm hoping that it will all just fizzle and die soon. It does definitely create anxiety though knowing that things have not been resolved, or that they may never be resolved. 

So now even though I am feeling pretty down and sad tonight, I am going to try my hardest to have a positive outlook for the week.  Although it will most likely be pretty slow, I am hoping to be able to find some joy in each day, and remember the positives in my life.  I shall try anyway!