Michigan

Tomorrow morning very early I leave for MI.  I am looking forward to going yet I'm a little nervous as well.  I never quite know how it's going to be with my brother, and it seems I usually end up somewhat disappointed about the time I spend with my dad. I'm hoping that it can be a good trip though, and I can have some fun and enjoy my family. I also hope that I will be able to eat ok... It could be very easy for me to resort to old habits, especially because food is definitely not a priority with my dad.  Hopefully though I will be able to remain strong and fight urges from Olga!

Otherwise just a lot of loose ends still... Luckily I heard back from Scottsdale and they are definitely interested in me coming on board there, so I am happy about that.  There are also some other possibilities floating around still, so hopefully something will work out, and I'll know what's coming next for me soon.  It's been pretty hard to have so many unknowns, as it's made me feel a little lost and confused.  There were also some days in there that I felt pretty darn hopeless as well, but luckily that hasn't been constant, as there have been some moments of hope.

Because it is so hot out now, I am not able to run outside.  I wasn't sure what to do, but then I found out that there is a rec center in Apache Junction that is cheap and pretty close by.  I have been there 3x now, and I am happy to have a place to go.  Two times I ran, and one time I did yoga, (me and all the old people haha.)  I think Brina is worried I will over do it, but I will try to keep it in moderation and follow her guidelines.  :-)
  

Difficult days...

Today has been a pretty hard day... I woke up feeling pretty down, and then got a phone call telling me that I needed to be careful because people are trying to get me in trouble.  It just doesn't feel like it's ever going to end, and I feel like I'm being held hostage.  I just don't know how much longer I can deal with this... I think I'm finally completely broken.  :-(

Also, Mom and I got into a fight, and then later her and my step dad got into a really big fight.  I got scared and upset so I left for a little while, and the first time I came home I left again because things were very volatile.  The second time I came back my Mom was gone... I asked my step dad where she was and he said she "went for a ride."  I tried to call her and heard her cell phone ring, (as she never takes her phone with her like ever.)  Obviously I was pretty worried, and was relieved when she finally came home.  She is saying now that she is absolutely done with her marriage, (she has said this a lot,) so I am worried about what will happen next.  Life is just an absolute roller coaster... and not the fun kind, more like the kind at Cedar Point that are old and rough and practically give you a concussion every time you step on.

Personally I am feeling pretty lost and hopeless... I don't know what I want to do, or where I want to be.  I wish I could just go to sleep forever...

and again!

Tonight I find myself pretty exhausted again... I was at the pool a lot watching the competition every day since Wednesday, doing random privates at random places, and I also dog sat for one night.  Overall I guess I had a nice time watching, but it was also very hard at the same time.  It was great to see so many of my friends, (and not when I was stressed,) but I also feel pretty alone and left out.  I feel like I don't belong anywhere, and I feel lost and sad. Tonight is particularly hard... Maybe I am just tired, and it doesn't help that I don't feel good.  I'm not sure if I'm perhaps dehydrated, or perhaps just going for so many days was too much for me.  I feel like I break down pretty fast... Like my body just can't take a whole lot before it crashes unfortunately. :-(  Hopefully tomorrow I can rest a little and will recover. 

I was hoping that this week would give me a little bit of clarity for what I want to do next, but I feel just as confused as before... There is part of me who wants to go to a big club and be a part of a large coaching "team."  There is part of me who wants to start completely over and bring another team up from scratch, and there is a part of me who just wants to walk away completely.  I think I still have passion for the sport, but not sure I have the mental strength and stability to be able to handle everything that comes with, (i.e. the competition and parent drama.)  I wish I knew what I wanted to do next... I wish I had a vision for the future, but I have nothing.  When I feel this way it's hard not to want to crawl into a hole and hide away.  Tonight I want to do just that.    

Catching my breath...

So life lately has been pretty crazy.  On Monday Mom and I got up at 5:00 and went to paint again... I was so tired haha.  We had a huge fiasco trying to get more paint, and ended up going back to Home Depot 3x before getting it right.  It was pretty frustrating as it put us behind about 2 hours overall, plus we wasted a lot of energy.  Then I went to the pool as normal on Monday and everything was fine. On Tuesday I again got up and 5:00, went and painted, and then  had an appointment with Betsy. I was very weepy during the appointment...  I cried on and off the whole time, and just felt so sad and super tired.  I hung in there though and was back at the pool to do some privates on Tuesday evening.  Then on Wednesday Mom and I got up yet again at 5:00 and headed back to Avondale for what we hoped would be the last time. Luckily we were able to finish... whew, that was rough!  Then we came home, I took a shower and got all cleaned up to go do some more privates.  I was almost to the pool when I got a forward from my attorney that the team had decided to end our contractual relationship, and sever ties completely.  I was really caught off guard, and really lost it.  I had to turn around and go home, and I was basically beside my with sadness and frustration.  I had to call the people that I had the privates with to tell them that I couldn't do them, and I said I was fired, (because that's how I understood it.)  I came home and cried... A LOT.  I felt that my life was over and I really wanted to die.  It was obviously very rough and super dark day for me. 

After texting or calling some people that I was "fired" I got a call from my attorney telling me that I couldn't say that as it wasn't technically correct.  Evidently me telling people that caused a "firestorm," as parents were mad and swimmers were upset.  After that I zipped my lips and will stay quiet about it from here on out, (which of course will be very hard.)  Anyway, I have no idea what will happen with all of that now, but I just hope we can get the severance agreement worked out, so I can be completely free from it all.  I am just ready to move on, and to move forward with my life!

For a little while I have been brainstorming possible options for me... Things I might be able to do with my life.  For a while I thought I might want to be completely done with synchro, but all of this has ironically refueled my desire, and I think I'm ready to jump back in the game.  If I do though it will be completely on my terms, and I will never get myself into a position like I was in again.  I will be meeting with a person from another local team this morning, and hopefully with another team sometime this week.  I feel optimistic that I can work something out that will be a good fit for me.  I hope anyway!

Otherwise I have a little bit of time to rest and recharge my battery right now.  I was going, going, going hard and strong for a good week there, and I am still feeling pretty tired from it haha.  This week coming up is US Nationals at Kino, so I am very excited about that.  It will be hard to be there and not be a part of the team, but it will be nice to be there just to watch and to visit with my friends.  Of course it will be a great time to network and get ideas for further options.  I am really looking forward to it!! :-)

Lost

Today has been a bit of a rough day.  I started off by getting up at 5:00 am again to go paint in Avondale, (by myself.)  I was really tired but trying hard to push through so we can get the job finished soon.  While I was there I got an e-mail from someone from the city saying that they have been notified that I am "no longer associated" with the team, so I need to return the keys.  I knew the team wanted to keys back, but saying that I'm no longer associated was something entirely different.  It just seems like I get slapped in the face continuously these days, and now I'm not sure if it means that they have fired me, or if it's just them lying trying to get the city to demand my keys back.  I have contacted a few people from the team about it, but have heard nothing... I don't know what to do.  I don't want to be associated with the team anymore, (as it's definitely toxic,) but it's helping me earn a living right now, plus a lot of girls are depending on me.  It's all a little overwhelming, and today I am really not able to handle it too well... I've been crying a lot, I don't feel good, and I simply feel sad and very lost. :-(

Tomorrow morning Mom and I are getting up again at 5:00 to go back to hopefully finish the paint job.  I don't mind the painting... It's just a bit stressful trying to get it finished fast.  It's just a really big house that is in pretty bad shape.  I pray we can finish so I can rest a little and catch my breath.

Anyway, I guess I'll try to get to sleep a bit earlier tonight.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!

Crazy busy... Gah!

I have had to be an high speed the last 4 days or so... The week was pretty busy with appointments and coaching, and then on Friday my Mom and I started painting this house, (the inside.)  We got up at like 5:00 am on Friday and went and painted for like 6 hours or so.  Then I went right to the pool and coached for 4 hours.  Then on Saturday I went and coached for 4 hours, drove to Tucson, and then coached another 5 hours.  This morning I got up and coached for 4 hours, drove to Avondale and painted for like 4.  Tomorrow morning Mom and I are getting up at 5:00 again to... you guessed it, go paint!  Haha... The house is really big, and it's way more then I should have bitten off.  The ceilings are almost all vaulted, and there are lots of walls with really dark walls to cover.  I pray that somehow some way we can finish the house tomorrow... My Mom is not so optimistic haha. 

Coaching in Tucson went fairly well I guess.  I felt a little awkward, and I wasn't sure I was being very helpful...  They said it was great though and they would love me to come down again sometime if I can, so that made me feel better.  It's nice to feel appreciated for what you do!

I got an e-mail last night from the team saying that besides tomorrow, (Monday,) they don't need my help at all for 2 weeks.  Although I'm not really surprised, I am a little upset because it's like yet another slap in the face.  Next week is US Nationals, (at the pool that the team trains at,) and they are not even using me to help coach at all.  I have been the one coaching pretty much all the figures, and yet they are not even bringing me in for that part of the competition.  Instead they are bringing in someone from out of state who hasn't been coaching the girls at all.  It just doesn't make sense... I don't get what they are doing... It's completely baffling, and definitely very hurtful.  I guess I will just come and watch the meet as a spectator, and visit with my all my synchro friends from out of state, (which I am looking forward to.)  I will also use the opportunity to network... I just want to feel out if there are any possibilities anywhere.  I don't think I want to move, but for now I am keeping my options open until I figure out what I want to do next.  Hopefully it won't take me forever to figure that out though!

Anyway I am exhausted and think I will sleep really well tonight.  I sure wish I didn't have to get up at 5:00 to go paint haha... Gah, I sure get myself into predicaments!