Tonight I find myself pretty exhausted again... I was at the pool a lot watching the competition every day since Wednesday, doing random privates at random places, and I also dog sat for one night. Overall I guess I had a nice time watching, but it was also very hard at the same time. It was great to see so many of my friends, (and not when I was stressed,) but I also feel pretty alone and left out. I feel like I don't belong anywhere, and I feel lost and sad. Tonight is particularly hard... Maybe I am just tired, and it doesn't help that I don't feel good. I'm not sure if I'm perhaps dehydrated, or perhaps just going for so many days was too much for me. I feel like I break down pretty fast... Like my body just can't take a whole lot before it crashes unfortunately. :-( Hopefully tomorrow I can rest a little and will recover.
I was hoping that this week would give me a little bit of clarity for what I want to do next, but I feel just as confused as before... There is part of me who wants to go to a big club and be a part of a large coaching "team." There is part of me who wants to start completely over and bring another team up from scratch, and there is a part of me who just wants to walk away completely. I think I still have passion for the sport, but not sure I have the mental strength and stability to be able to handle everything that comes with, (i.e. the competition and parent drama.) I wish I knew what I wanted to do next... I wish I had a vision for the future, but I have nothing. When I feel this way it's hard not to want to crawl into a hole and hide away. Tonight I want to do just that.
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