It's been a while!

It's been a little while since I've posted last... I guess I don't feel like I've had much to say, or maybe I just say the same things over and over.  My life is also pretty damn boring for the most part, and nobody probably reads this anyway...

Regardless I thought I would write for myself just to get some of the thoughts out of my head.  Things have been pretty up and down... It's like a crazy roller coaster except it's not fun haha.  Anyway, I hit a little rough patch last week when my mom and step dad got into another fight.  I don't really know what happened, but they were screaming at each other and it really scares me when they do that.  I got really upset and pretty much panicked and left for a little while and sat in the parking lot of Bashas.  I just didn't know what to do and I felt so alone... Although I am old enough that this shouldn't really have such a negative effect on me, in that moment I really wanted to die.  It seems like when I fall I fall hard and fast, and I hit the bottom hard... It hurts so bad and every time, and I feel it takes a little piece of me away. 

I also had a hard time with a therapy session I had last week... My therapist was talking about how in a few months maybe I should join one of the groups they have, and if that is the case then maybe I would be able to see them every other week instead of every week, (to help save money.)  Although I would definitely like to try and group and I understand what she was saying, I also completely freaked out, (after the fact of course.)  I interpreted it like they have pretty much done everything they can for me and I'm either a lost cause or I'm supposed to be all better now.  I also started thinking that perhaps they don't like me and they don't want to work with me anymore and want to get rid of me... I had so many thoughts hit me so fast, and the thoughts are actually still swirling around there taunting me in my weak moments.  I still feel like such a mess, and I started thinking that this is it for me... This is as good as it gets. Of course I immediately thought that if this is it  I might as well throw the towel in now.  What is the point of it all?  What exactly am I searching for?  I just don't know... It all seems rather hopeless sometimes...

On a positive note I accepted the head coach position at a new club... I am guardedly optimistic I guess you could say.  I want to be excited, but I also have doubts, and I have lots of fears that things will turn out badly like they did before.  It has all been such a traumatizing experience, and I have certainly lost trust in people.  Of course I will try my best and hope for positive results... Perhaps this is all meant to be and it will be a turning point in my life, but what if I'm just setting myself up for more of the same? It's really hard to know what to think and what to believe... I wish I could just be excited and believe in my future!

So yah, that's the way my story reads at the moment.  Blah, blah, blah... More of the same old shit.  Oh and I don't want to eat dinner, because I'm fat and sad and that will certainly fix everything right?!!  

Mother's Day

I was having a pretty good day until I got really sad tonight... I'm not exactly sure what happened, but I think I was having thoughts about the possibility that I might never be a Mom, and I was also thinking about Anna...  I just had a flood of intense feelings so I cried for quite a while.  I realized that when I feel things so deeply I have trouble knowing what to do with it... Instead of just accepting the feelings I want to do something, or not do something, (as in self harm or not eating.) The feelings seem like they will never end, and in that moment I simply want to die.  It hurts so much, like there is a hole in my heart that will never be filled.  :-(

Otherwise I guess things are going ok.  Yesterday I coached for 2 different teams, (which was tiring but also fun,) and I think I'm getting closer to making a decision for next season.  It's hard to know for sure what the right move is, but I'm feeling a little more confident about things.  Of course there is still also that looming threat from my old team, but I'm hoping that it will all just fizzle and die soon. It does definitely create anxiety though knowing that things have not been resolved, or that they may never be resolved. 

So now even though I am feeling pretty down and sad tonight, I am going to try my hardest to have a positive outlook for the week.  Although it will most likely be pretty slow, I am hoping to be able to find some joy in each day, and remember the positives in my life.  I shall try anyway!

Too much time...

Today I have really had way too much free time on my hands... I've been trying to keep myself as busy as possible with various things, (making jewelry, cleaning out drawers, working out, etc.) but tonight I find myself feeling down and in the dumps.  Sometimes I just really start missing people, and at times I miss CFC so much that my heart hurts.  I think I'm missing it extra right now because of the news that I got about Anna's baby... I am so worried about her, and I want so much to be able to connect with her and tell her how much I care.  It's so hard to not be able to... I feel so helpless, and I'm so so very sad.  Sometimes it feels like my body has an infinite amount of sadness in there, and it's just flowing through my veins.  I feel like I could cry for days, hours, weeks, or years.  I feel like I'm breaking into tiny little pieces... I don't know how I'm ever going to be able to feel whole or happy.  I worry that it might just not be possible for me.  I don't think I have what it takes, and it's not fair that someone like me who often wants to die, is healthy and alive, while others are fighting for their lives and dying. It's just really not fair... :-(  Hopefully tomorrow things will look a little bit brighter and I will find some hope and strength within myself again.   

Heartbreaking news

I hadn't heard from my therapist from CFC for a while so I got worried and called... They said that she was still on maternity leave, which I found was odd, so I sent an e-mail to one of the clinical directors.  She sent me an e-mail today saying that her son had passed away a couple of weeks ago from SIDS... Oh my gosh... Such devestating news.  I of course immediately felt deep sorrow, and I felt completely helpless as I had no way to get in touch with her.  Luckily I had therapy today, (and pretty soon after I got the message,) so I was able to get some of my emotions out in a healthy way.  If I had not had therapy I'm not sure that I could have been able to refrain from restricting or self harm.  I had so many feelings all boiling over, and I felt like I was going to explode.  Even tonight I am struggling, especially because I have absolutely no way to help her and I care so much... It's really a terrible feeling. :-(

Since my last post things had been going a little bit better, (well until today.) I am still cycling in and out of depression, but there has been some bright moments.  Thankfully I was offered a job from a team in Scottsdale, and I have been talking to another local team as well.  There is still one other possibility here in AZ, but I have no idea if that will pan out at all... It may be a fat chance, but nonetheless I'm keeping the option open still.  Otherwise I applied for some Administrative type positions, and hoping I might be able to find something workable in the near future.  If I can find something there, I think it would help me to determine if I want to have synchro be my main focus with a part time job on the side, or if I want to have a full time job with synchro on the side.  Both scenarios have their advantages and disadvantages, so hopefully things might become a little more clear sometime in the near future!

Oh I have been making some jewelry... I don't really know what I'm doing, but I have made some things that I like and will wear.  Maybe at some point I can think about selling some.  If I don't sell them I will definitely use them for gifts and to keep myself in fun updated jewelry! :-)

Sad and alone.

Tonight I am feeling really sad and my heart just plain hurts... I feel so alone and confused and sometimes I just don't know if I can continue on.  I want so much to be able to make a meaningful life for myself, but I just feel like I'm not getting anywhere.  Sure I am healthier physically now, but I still feel like I did before only now I'm 30 pounds heavier.  So much has happened and yet so little has really changed. I keep trying to crawl my way out of the darkness, yet in the end I always seem to end up back where I started.  Will I ever be able to live a life that will make me happy?  Will I ever be able to be the person I dream of being?  Right now it just feels impossible and that makes me feel truly hopeless... Sometimes I wish that my earlier attempts to starve myself to death had been successful.  I know that's terrible to say, but I just don't know how much longer I can keep fighting.  What am I here for? It all feels pointless... :-(  Trying to hold on.

Home

I am home now from Michigan.  I think it was a fairly good trip overall, but I am really glad to be back.  I struggled a little bit with sadness and anxiety, but I feel good that I was able to spend some quality time with my dad, grandma and brother.  Hopefully it won't be so long before I am able to go back and see them again!

Tonight I am feeling very tired but also frustrated.  My stepdad and Mom are barely speaking still, my t.v. isn't working, (which is especially annoying since I just got back from a week of very little technology,) and as usual I don't feel good and I'm extremely tired.  I get so sick of not feeling well, and I guess it could be that I didn't eat enough... I'm not really sure.  I just want to feel good again. 

Okay enough complaining... I am off to bed!