Desperately seeking peace

My last post was speaking of dissociating... I have been having a lot of trouble with it lately, and at times it can be pretty debilitating.  It's also pretty disturbing when it happens to say the least... :-(

So right now I am in Vegas at a competition.  I had a pretty good day yesterday, and most of the day today I have been fine, but tonight I crashed pretty hard.  I'm still having lots of trouble with Shelly's death, and I heard some things that were said about me which were upsetting. I also just feel so alone and like my existence and presence really isn't wanted or needed.  If I could at this very moment switch places with Shelly I would.  I feel like she has more to offer this world and I am just taking up space. 

Of course I'm also really worried about my Grandma, and it's hard to know that my Mom is there with my brother.  I really worry about him hurting her, and I don't know how long she will be there.  I also worry that when my grandma does pass away that my brother will have nothing to live for and will take a huge nose dive.  It's no secret that he's a troubled soul, alcholic, drug addict, and I think either bipolar or schizophrenic.  There's just so much uncertainty that it's really scary.  It also seems like one thing after another keeps happening and I just can't quite handle it all...

On a bright note we don't have any competition tomorrow so we are going to the strip.  I am really excited about this as I have never seen it, and I plan to take lots of pictures.  :-) 

Enough from me for now... Going to try and do something soothing for myself.

What's happening?!

I am off in lala land.  I cannot focus... I cannot come back.  My head hurts so bad... I don't understand what's happening...I am unable to function.  I am trying to pack but I it's taken me hours and I still cannot finish.  I have to leave in the morning... I have to be able to function.  The pressure inside my head is so intense... I feel like my head might explode.  I can see my heartbeats through my eyes. I'm spinning in circles... I am falling.

I'm trying desperately to climb my way back but just as I get to the top I slip and fall again.  Fuzzy... fuzzy... so very, very fuzzy.  I think maybe I should just sleep.  I hope tomorrow things become clear again... I must admit though... I am scared.    

Hospice

Well it's been pretty rough... Last week I had to make the decision to have my beautiful doggie Jackie put to sleep.  It was absolutely heartbreaking, and I will miss her forever.  :-(  Now today I find out that Hospice is being sent for my Grandma... I am kind of in shock, and feel so desperately guilty that I can't be there with her.  I won't get to say "good-bye..." I am heart sick. 

I just don't know how much I can keep going sometimes... Last night I counted out my pills... "Would it be enough?"  "Would it do the trick?"  I really just can't bare all the pain... It all just hurts so much.  I am so alone...

So sad

Tonight I am so so sad... I found out that going to Utah for the reunion might not work out for me, and it seems that it might be time for Jackie to be put to sleep.  Sometimes it all just seems too much for me... I know these aren't catastrophic things and people go through it all the time, but it's enough to throw my world upside down.  It seems like when I start to gain a little momentum then it all unravels again.  Tonight I don't want to continue on... :-( 

Apartments

Today my Mom and I looked at like 8 apartments.  I am very excited that I liked almost all of them, and that I should hopefully have some good options when it's time to move.  I still don't know when that will be quite yet, but I think it will help me to have a goal in mind, (6 months maybe?)  I'm praying it won't be too much longer before I'm out on my own again and living in Scottsdale!  :-) 

Things have been going ok.  I have my moments when I feel like I cannot go on, but I'm also having some good moments.  It's just when I'm down I'm really down... Like Saturday night I was in Tucson and I had a pretty hard night... Lots of bad thoughts, and also had pretty bad nightmares.  I don't remember exactly what the nightmares were, but they seemed very familar to me. It's really wish I could remember my life... There's just a huge blank for most of it.  I can't help but feel that there were things that happened.  I just can't seem to put the pieces together.  I hope someday maybe I can, or that I can move past the feelings at least.

This weekend I made a "Tumblr" account... I wanted to see what it was so I tried it out.  It quickly became really clear to me that I would use that for "thinspo" and "fitspo."  I wasn't able to delete it right away, but last night I did.  I am still obsessing majorly about my body, so I really don't need to add any fuel to that fire, (and Pinterest already triggers me at times).  I guess I just feel that I have been working really hard to get the kind of body I want, and I just really don't see it changing... It makes me feel really frustrated and disgusted with myself.  Perhaps what I want is not realistic, but it seems that lots of other girls are able to do it so why can't I?  I just don't get why my body won't cooperate... It makes me just want to diet and workout like crazy, which of course would probably put me right back where I was this time last year... Hopefully I'll start to see some results soon so I don't have to go to extreme measures.  There is of course a part of me that misses all of that, and of course I really miss the body I had then.  I am trying to listen to my treatment team though, and to stay strong.  It's definitely not easy... Sometimes, (like Saturday night,) I just want to "throw the towel in."  I am pretty darn certain that if I didn't continue to see Betsy and Brina that I would for sure be in big trouble!

Okay well that's all the excitement I have for tonight.  Haha... I know, I know... Super LAME!!

Gah!

So it's been a while again... Some days I feel pretty good, and then the next day I'm a complete disaster.  I wish I could be a little more consistent... I just feel all over the place.  Last week I had a hard therapy session and that night I ended up purging.  I really don't know why... I just became obsessed and couldn't turn off the thoughts.  I was even trying to purge while I was out walking my dogs... I like really didn't care if anyone saw me, (although I did kind of try to hide behind a bush.)  Then last night I had the urge again.  I don't know why this is happening... I worry that maybe my anorexia is morphing... I sure hope not.  :-/

Last Thursday when I was seeing Brina I started really "spacing out."  I wasn't feeling good and nearly lost my ability to function.  It was really embarassing... I felt myself starting to panic and I didn't know what to do.  She ended up getting me a Boost.  Then today when I saw Betsy the same thing started happening about 1/2 way through... This time though I got like the sweats and I had to tell her that I wasn't feeling very well. The rest of today I've been like incredibly hungry and I can't seem to get full... It's terrible and scary.  It all just sucks because I really want to do better, and for the most part I feel like I've tried.  I just get so confused sometimes, and can get off course so easily.  I also feel like my body is betraying me... Like if I slip up even a little the consequences seem extreme.  I just don't know...  I really hope Brina and Betsy aren't too disappointed in me... I worry that maybe they will lose faith in me and give up.  If that happened I would be beyond devastated.

Otherwise I have been staying pretty busy with privates and have been doing lots and lots of driving.  I'm a little worried about how many miles I am putting on my car, but hopefully I'll be able to get my own place sometime in the near future so I don't have to commute so much.  I know I will have to have another job though and that worries me... I'm not sure I can handle having another job.  I have trouble managing myself with even the schedule that I have now... I don't want to live with my Mom and Rich forever though so I hope I can get myself together.  I feel like I am falling and failing.  I am scared.

It's been a while!

It's been a little while since I've posted last... I guess I don't feel like I've had much to say, or maybe I just say the same things over and over.  My life is also pretty damn boring for the most part, and nobody probably reads this anyway...

Regardless I thought I would write for myself just to get some of the thoughts out of my head.  Things have been pretty up and down... It's like a crazy roller coaster except it's not fun haha.  Anyway, I hit a little rough patch last week when my mom and step dad got into another fight.  I don't really know what happened, but they were screaming at each other and it really scares me when they do that.  I got really upset and pretty much panicked and left for a little while and sat in the parking lot of Bashas.  I just didn't know what to do and I felt so alone... Although I am old enough that this shouldn't really have such a negative effect on me, in that moment I really wanted to die.  It seems like when I fall I fall hard and fast, and I hit the bottom hard... It hurts so bad and every time, and I feel it takes a little piece of me away. 

I also had a hard time with a therapy session I had last week... My therapist was talking about how in a few months maybe I should join one of the groups they have, and if that is the case then maybe I would be able to see them every other week instead of every week, (to help save money.)  Although I would definitely like to try and group and I understand what she was saying, I also completely freaked out, (after the fact of course.)  I interpreted it like they have pretty much done everything they can for me and I'm either a lost cause or I'm supposed to be all better now.  I also started thinking that perhaps they don't like me and they don't want to work with me anymore and want to get rid of me... I had so many thoughts hit me so fast, and the thoughts are actually still swirling around there taunting me in my weak moments.  I still feel like such a mess, and I started thinking that this is it for me... This is as good as it gets. Of course I immediately thought that if this is it  I might as well throw the towel in now.  What is the point of it all?  What exactly am I searching for?  I just don't know... It all seems rather hopeless sometimes...

On a positive note I accepted the head coach position at a new club... I am guardedly optimistic I guess you could say.  I want to be excited, but I also have doubts, and I have lots of fears that things will turn out badly like they did before.  It has all been such a traumatizing experience, and I have certainly lost trust in people.  Of course I will try my best and hope for positive results... Perhaps this is all meant to be and it will be a turning point in my life, but what if I'm just setting myself up for more of the same? It's really hard to know what to think and what to believe... I wish I could just be excited and believe in my future!

So yah, that's the way my story reads at the moment.  Blah, blah, blah... More of the same old shit.  Oh and I don't want to eat dinner, because I'm fat and sad and that will certainly fix everything right?!!