Overwhelmed

Today I met with an attorney about my contract for the team... They are trying to say that I can't coach anywhere in Arizona until February 10, 2013.  Of course this really binds me as it doesn't give me any real options in the state to practice my profession... It makes me feel "owned" or like a hostage, and that is a really bad feeling.  Anyway, the attorney is going to contact the team, as he feels that the contract will not hold up.  It's all just so overwhelming, and I can't believe that it's actually come to this... I am angry, frustrated, confused and sad.  I don't feel like I know who I can trust, and of course I feel absolutely betrayed.  I am also scared and nervous as I don't know what is going to happen next... I have no idea how the team will react.  Will they kick me out completely?  Will they try to enforce the contract and take me to court?  Will they back down and let me ride the season out doing what I'm doing?  It's already so uncomfortable for me to be there, and this is definitely going to make matters worse.  I also worry that those that still may care for me or respect me might change their minds now and turn against me... This is all just so foreign to me, and I wish it would just all go away... Ay ay ay!! 

On a positive note I am super happy that I don't have to work at Starbucks anymore haha.  I went in tonight to pick up my tips, and I was so so so grateful that I didn't have to stay there. The shift supervisor that was always really condescending was on duty, and I really couldn't wait to get out of there!  Now hopefully I can figure out what's next, so I won't flounder forever!   

Sad

Tonight I am feeling pretty sad and I'm not quite sure why... I thought I would feel super excited after finishing at Starbucks, but instead I feel down in the dumps.  Don't get me wrong, I am sooooo relieved to be done there... It was very hard for me to complete the week, and today was especially hard being a full 8 hour shift.  Perhaps I'm just really tired... Perhaps I'm feeling a little bit stupid for having quit yet another job... Perhaps I feel like a failure... Perhaps I let the condescending shift supervisor get under my skin a little too much... Perhaps I feel a little lost and lonely... Perhaps I'm feeling completely frustrated and disgusted by my body... Or maybe it's all of the above... I really just don't know exactly. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day... Hopefully I will find some hope to latch on to, and something to smile about.  As for tonight I think I'm going to call it a night before I do something that I will regret.

New Chapter

Today I coached for 4 hours, (and got a pretty bad farmers tan/burn,) and then went to Starbucks for 3.5 hours, (which of course seemed like 6 or so.)  Tomorrow is supposed to be my last day there, but I feel like I might want to call in sick... If it wasn't an 8 hour shift I would probably just suck it up and do it, but 8 hours is a really long time, and I just don't want to be there.  I'm still having lots of anxiety, (even knowing I will be done,) and some of the shift supervisors are a little bitchy and condescending.  You would think they would be extra nice since I'm doing them a favor, but yah not so much...I have never really lied like that before, but I guess there's a first time for everything.  Or maybe I'll actually wake up sick, (because I'm not feeling so good right now,) and then I won't have to feel as guilty... Not that I want to be sick haha.

So I have been thinking more and more about having my own business... I don't know if it's possible at all, but the idea excites me, and gives me a little bit of hope for the future.  I'm thinking that I would use it to coach, teach swim lessons, and possibly do some personal training at some point, (if I get myself certified.)  Of course I am also seriously thinking about having my own team... I would own it and run it... Not a parent board.  Anyway, just some ideas I guess.  I really have no idea how possible any of it is though, but I hopefully I am not too out there!   



  

Longest day ever!!

Today I worked an 8 hour shift at Starbucks... It wasn't as crazy as I expected it to be, but I was busy pretty much non stop.  You would think that would help make the time go by faster, but in reality it felt like 16 hours to me!  I kept looking at my watch and feeling disappointed when only like 5 minutes had passed haha.  Tonight I also had 3 privates, so it was a very long and tiring day... I am absolutely exhausted, and I will definitely sleep really well tonight!

My Mom got home from Michigan today... It was nice to have a little break from her, (haha sorry mom,) but I am glad she is back safe and sound.  I always worry when my brother is around unfortunately... He is completely volatile, and can definitely be abusive both mentally and physically.  Although I love him, I am also very scared of him, and I know my Mom is too.  I thought he had turned a corner and stopped drinking, but at some point he started again as my Mom said he was drunk every night.  No doubt he is probably also stealing my grandma's meds as well... :-( 

On a positive note, I have been contacted by a lady from Chile, and she is wondering if I might want to go to Chile for 10 days to month to coach.  I am very excited about this possibility, and hope that it can work out.  I would love to go to South America!!  I'm hoping a trip to Michigan might also be in the works... It's great to feel excited and have some things to look forward to!

Moving on

After talking with my Mom today, I decided that the best thing for me to do is to quit Starbucks... It's just not a good fit for me, and the money is definitely not worth the anxiety.  I'm a little embarrassed of course, but I don't want to waste anymore of my time or energy on something that has a negative effect on me.  I just hope people aren't completely disappointed in me... Unfortunately I seem to be struggling quite publicly.

Anyway, I feel relieved and like I can breathe again.  I think before I really search for another job, I want to take a trip to Michigan to see my family there.  It's been a couple of years now, so I really want to go.  A team in Michigan is also interested in having me do a figure clinic, so that will be nice. :-) I'm hoping this is all happening for a reason, and there is something really great out there waiting for me!

Idk...

Tonight at Starbucks started off pretty rough... This family came in with a really big order and I messed a lot of it up.  It's just so stressful, and I'm not sure I can make it through the hard part in order to get to a place where I feel comfortable.  I have been so nervous and so anxious, and I'm not sure it's good for me... I think I want to quit. I just don't think I can do it. :-/  My anxiety is getting the best of me. 

Plugging along

The last couple of days at Starbucks have been ok... Yesterday was a pretty good day overall, and although today had a few rough patches, (where I was really questioning myself and felt like quiting,) at least things ended on a positive note.  I work one more day this week, (tomorrow from 4:00-8:00,) and then I have Sunday off.  I have also been to the pool coaching every single day this week, so I am really looking forward to Sunday!  It's been hard going from Starbucks to the pool... Lots of time in transit and the car, and very little time for myself or for fun.  I'm not sure how long I can keep up this pace... I hope I can get used to it!!

Otherwise I guess I am doing ok... I have good days, and I have bad days, but I haven't fallen too hard.  Sometimes I really want to give in to Olga though, (especially right now when things are a little difficult for me.)  I feel like I am always in a position to simply exist... I mean like I have been existing just to work, and working just to exist.  It's a cycle that leaves me wondering what the point of it all is... It's in these challenging times that I think Olga can give me a purpose... She can make me forget the sadness and fear, and she can make me feel worthy as a person.  It's all so very tempting, but I am trying with everything I have to hold on to the hope that recovery is worth it.  I am trying to trust, and I am trying to believe that there is a future for me that can be better then the past.  I hope it's not all for nothing... I hope it's not all is twisted joke.

Yikes...

My anxiety is through the rough... I can't calm down... I don't know if I can do this!!!  Today was my first day, (out of training,) at Starbucks, and although I did okay overall, I'm not sure I will be able to handle it.  There are so many things to remember... So much going on all at once, and it's really overwhelming.  I know that all new jobs are like that until you get the hang of it, but it worries me that a lot of people are saying they didn't feel comfortable until after 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, etc.  How can you continue doing something for so long when you feel so anxious and uncomfortable?  I just don't know... I don't want to give up, but I do at the same time.  Things have been so hard for me the last couple of years, and I just don't want to get myself in a situation that is going to cause me a lot of distress.  Is it too much to ask for a life that doesn't make me feel sick?  It worries me that perhaps I will have trouble dealing with anything... I guess I feel a little fragile, and tonight I feel like I'm going to break all apart.  This anxiety is really killing me! :-/

Tomorrow I work basically the same hours, but I also have an interview at Walgreens, (which all in all makes the day pretty darn long again.)  I don't really know why I agreed to do the interview, but I guess it's good to keep my options open, and see what they might have to offer me. I really don't know what I really should be doing right now, or where I should be working... Ahhhh!!!  Hopefully tomorrow I will feel less anxious and fell better about it all.  Otherwise I may need to go hide somewhere!

Pretty good days!

The last couple of days have been pretty good.  Yesterday I had most of the day free so I decided to my "food handlers" certification, (it's online.)  Then I was off to see Brina, (and I always enjoy seeing her,) back home for a bit and then off to coach for a couple of hours.  Overall it was a pretty chill day, and I was feeling pretty happy and content overall. :-)

Today I woke up fairly early, went running, (which went a little better today although I still died haha,) went to go get my "food handlers" card and then had 4 hours of privates.  I've also spent some time studying my Starbucks... I am nervous, but hopefully have prepared myself enough to not make a complete ass out of myself.  I really want this job to go well, so I can feel comfortable, and maybe even find some enjoyment out of it.  I'm crossing my fingers anyway... Yikes!  Luckily it's only a 4.5 hour shift tomorrow.  Next week I will be working a lot more though, (32 hours.) 

Tonight, (along with being a bit nervous,) I am having a pretty bad headache, (and I had one last night as well.)  I'm not sure what the deal is because I haven't had them in a while, but they're pretty intense so I hope this doesn't become a pattern.  Trying to think positive, and hopefully this Excedrine kicks in soon!

Good day/ Angry night!

So tonight I am feeling pretty mad... The club presented me with 2 contracts the other day to sign and both are ultimately trying to control me and take away any power or opportunities I may have, (and I will not sign them, and have been advised not to.)  Now that I have finally taken control of my life back, I will no longer be suffocated by the team.  It is my life to live, and I resent anyone trying to interfere with that... Just let me move on and live my life already... I'm banking on karma here!!

Otherwise the day was pretty good. I started off by spending a few hours at Starbuckys and wrote down like almost every drink and how it's made haha.  I think once I get that all settled in my brain I will feel much better, and hopefully not make an ass out of myself on Wednesday!  After that I ran some errands and then came back and ran a bit.  I was a little disappointed in how I felt running, (and that I couldn't run as far as I wanted to,) but I guess it's better then nothing right?  Hopefully it will get easier for me eventually... After all running is in my genes! 

After my run I came back and washed, vacummed and detailed my car, cleaned my bathroom, dusted my room, and then wrote some letters.  I still have a lot more that I want to write, (I guess I've been feeling pretty sentimental lately.)  Overall though it was a very productive and satisfying day, (minus the anger haha.) 

I look... Meh.

So I am having a rough day body image wise.  I am generally always a little frustrated with my body, but today I am feeling particularly gross.  I really feel that I look pregnant, and I'm not sure how I can get past that, or if I want to... Why would I want to look pregnant when I'm not?  Anyway, Olga, (Ed,) is saying you must lose **pounds immediately or you are absolutely disgusting.  Unfortunately I agree... :-( Of course I will try to continue to fight for recovery, but it may be a very bumpy road ahead!

On Thursday things went ok at Starbucks, but I learned so much that I felt like I forgot everything.  At the end of the night I was getting all the numbers, (expresso shots and syrup pumps,) all mixed up, and was also getting the order of building the drinks a bit mixed up.  It was like a reached a certain point, and everything just got really scrambled.  I was feeling very worried that maybe I wouldn't be able to handle the job, but today I'm feeling a bit more optimistic that perhaps I can make it work.  I have decided that I will go in perhaps tomorrow, (and maybe Monday or Tuesday as well,) to look through the drink manual and perhaps write some things down for myself to study.  I know it might seem a bit silly, but I am of course a perfectionist, and I want to do a good job.  I also don't want to make an ass out of myself haha.  Hopefully I'll be able to pull it together and make it work.  Who would of known that working at Starbucks would be so complicated! 

Today I went to the water show for the team... I really didn't want to go, but Jaime was going so I agreed to go with her.  Unforutnately it was really awkward, as I didn't really feel that welcomed. It's weird to feel like such an outsider somewhere that used to be my domain, and I almost left a couple of times... That being said though I am still glad I am no longer head coach of the club, (or that involved for that matter,) and I was especially glad I wasn't head coach for this particular show... It was not very good! 

Tonight I am just going to be hanging home with my pooches... Mom is gone to Michigan, and Rich has gone to some car races, so it will be nice to just kind of hang out and have a little "me" time. :-)  

Very tired

Today was my 2nd day at Starbucks.  Yesterday was basically just paper work and going over manuals, and today was a little more hands on.  I learned how to do the coffee, the lattes, the cappiccinos and the tea. Tomorrow I don't go in, but Thursday will be an 8 hour day, and I'll learn the rest of the stuff. It's all a bit overwhelming, but hopefully I'll be able to figure it all out eventually!!

Moving day went fairly well... Everything was already packed and ready to go, so it all went pretty fast.  We also had the help of some very nice neighbors, so I was very appreciative about that.  I was worried about being sad, but I think enough time has passed that I am no longer that attached, (as I haven't been there for 6 months now really.)  I think that if I had been staying there it would have been a lot harder.  Later on in the day I also went back to clean up... I wanted to make sure everything looked good haha.  I had to cut myself off, (especially with the carpet cleaner,) as I could have continued to go on for hours.  I can feel good about the state that I left it though, and that makes me feel better. :-)

Olga has been a little loud the last couple of days, and it's been a challenge as I've been so busy.  I will have to plan things out a little better from here on out, as Olga uses every possible opportunity to her advantage.  I also will not able to see Betsy this week, (because of scheduling conflicts,) and unfortunately I won't be able to see her next week either, (because she'll be gone for spring break.)  Luckily I will still see Brina tomorrow, and hopefully will be able to see her 2x next week.  I think it could be very easy for me to get off track right now, as "plans" and challenges are always in the works. 

Since I've been only coaching part time my depression and self esteem has definitely been better.  I don't think I realized how toxic synchro was for me until I removed myself from it.  Although I am still coaching a little, it's much different and it is not stressful at all.  I get a little bored sometimes, but overall I think it's a good fit for me now, (plus I'm getting a lot of privates.)  I'm glad it's all working out so far for me. :-)   

Moving Day

Tomorrow we have to get up early and go and move all the stuff from my condo to storage, (as the short sale seems to be almost complete.) I am not sure how I'm going to feel about it... On one hand I feel sad as Rosita, (what I named my condo,) was my first place and I of course am attached.  That being said though I think it may also be a bit of a relief, as it became a huge burden for me, and was a place where my eating disorder raged out of control.  Since I have been back from CFC I have not been able to stay there even one night, (although I tried twice,) so it's probably better that I move on from that period in my life.  Hopefully tomorrow I won't be too sad... We'll see I guess! 

Today Mom and I went shopping for quite a while together and managed to not kill each other, (as there were some moments haha.)  We first went grocery shopping, and then we went in search of some khaki pants for me, (as I need them for Starbucks and I had none.)  Tonight I felt the need to connect with some friends, so I spent some time writing letters in which I will mail on Monday.  All in all it was a pretty good, even though I had some sad moments for not being at zones this weekend. It's hard because I am happy I'm not there, but at the same time really sad... It's all rather confusing, and I hope with a little more time it will get easier. 

Monday I start at Starbucks.  I am feeling a little anxious to get started, and just really hope that it all goes okay... I know I shouldn't be stressed, but I always want to do a good job, and this is something completely new for me.  Hopefully it will all work out okay, and I will do well and enjoy it. I just need a little bit of distraction right now, and a little bit of time and perspective to be able to figure out what I might want to do next with my life.  I'm also of course hoping for a little bit of fun, and perhaps to meet some new friends as well. I'm ready to live life now, (instead of just exist,) so I'm hoping this might be the fresh new start I need. :-)