The last couple of days at Starbucks have been ok... Yesterday was a pretty good day overall, and although today had a few rough patches, (where I was really questioning myself and felt like quiting,) at least things ended on a positive note. I work one more day this week, (tomorrow from 4:00-8:00,) and then I have Sunday off. I have also been to the pool coaching every single day this week, so I am really looking forward to Sunday! It's been hard going from Starbucks to the pool... Lots of time in transit and the car, and very little time for myself or for fun. I'm not sure how long I can keep up this pace... I hope I can get used to it!!
Otherwise I guess I am doing ok... I have good days, and I have bad days, but I haven't fallen too hard. Sometimes I really want to give in to Olga though, (especially right now when things are a little difficult for me.) I feel like I am always in a position to simply exist... I mean like I have been existing just to work, and working just to exist. It's a cycle that leaves me wondering what the point of it all is... It's in these challenging times that I think Olga can give me a purpose... She can make me forget the sadness and fear, and she can make me feel worthy as a person. It's all so very tempting, but I am trying with everything I have to hold on to the hope that recovery is worth it. I am trying to trust, and I am trying to believe that there is a future for me that can be better then the past. I hope it's not all for nothing... I hope it's not all is twisted joke.
No comments:
Post a Comment