Phew!

I'm back home from Tucson now and am overall pretty happy.  We won most categories that we were entered in, and I'm feeling pretty positive about the season so far.  Unfortunately I had a bit of a rough day yesterday... I think the day was just a little too long for me, and there was no real opportunities to have a break.  You go from coaching to judging, to coaching and back and forth so it's a bit hard.  I also waited way too long to eat last night, and got a bit emotional.  I think it was the combination of just being really tired, not feeling so great, and stress.  I also didn't drive so I felt a bit trapped, and sometimes I have trouble when I don't have any private time. Of course I was also being pretty hard on myself, as I never quite feel that what I have done is good enough... It's just a bit scary because when I fall I fall really hard, and when I feel like that I really just want to give up. Tonight I'm definitely feeling better though... I just wish I could find a little more consistent balance.

Tomorrow I have the day off from synchro so I am very happy about that!  I'm trying to think what I might do... It doesn't happen too often haha. I think maybe it will be a good day to chill with my "babies" and perhaps do a little organizing.  Since I'm staying at my Mom's house, I have less space, and I really need to go through everything as I'm sure I can throw a lot away.  Otherwise I think it will just make me feel better to be more organized.  Maybe it might also be a good day to go to the movies or something!

Tonight I ran again... It was super hard.  I am trying to build up my endurance though, and hopefully it will get a little easier with time.  It  gives me something to work toward, so for that reason I really like doing it, (well I like it after the fact anyway haha.) I would one day love to be able to do a half marathon... I'm not sure I'll ever get to that point though.  It would require me to start liking running a little more. I'm hoping it will grow on me though haha.  I guess we shall see!

Looking for courage!

So we have our first routine meet of the season this weekend in Tucson.  It's not a very important meet, but of course we all want to have a good showing.  I am a little nervous to see how I will be able to handle the stress, (and the meet schedule.)  In the past I have ALWAYS restricted, and I'm not sure I will be able to avoid doing that this weekend.  Things get busy, and I get stressed, and before I know it the day is gone and I haven't eaten, (or have eaten very little.)  I am worried that this will happen again, but honestly I'm even more worried that I want this to happen again.  The stupid little voice, (Olga,) in my head just chattering at me non-stop... "Jill it would be really fun to see how long you can go without eating."  Or "Jill how about just eating fruit from now on."  It goes on and on... Olgas ideas of fun are endless, continuous and always very loud!

Beyond that I am going to try and have a fun time.... I really enjoy spending time with my swimmers and most of the parents, and of course the other coaches.  It is important to me that everyone leaves Tucson feeling positive and energized for the future.  We have a great group, so hopefully that goal will be able to be reality. Of course I will do my best!

Ok now just to vent a little about living with the parentals at this stage in my life... Although it is helpful and I need to be here for several reasons, it is very hard.  I feel like I have no privacy, and I am not used to that.  My Mom, (although meaning well,) is always there drilling me with questions, and a lot of times just looking at me.  I tell her that this makes me really uncomfortable and can she please not watch me, but she still does it all the time.  To make matters worse she often does it when I'm trying to eat something, which is certainly not helpful for me, and in fact makes me want to throw the food and refuse to eat.  I know that is not the answer so I have not acted on those impulses, but it's getting harder and harder for me and I am starting to feel a little rebelious.  I know this is silly, but when my frustration reaches a high level I'm not sure quite how to handle it unfortunately.  Hopefully I won't have to stay here for too much longer, and I will be able to move on with my life.  Step 1 still has to happen though... The short sale of my condo needs to go through.  It is just taking forever so it's been a bit disheartening.  I'm hoping things can turn around soon though, and I will be able to make plans for my future.  Having no plans makes me feel really stuck and aimless... I need to have things to get excited about, and things to work toward, otherwise recovery just seems rather pointless.  It would be great to have some dreams again... I think I am too scared to dream or hope for anything, as I fear I will never be able to get there, or I will be too hurt in the process.  I guess you could say that I seriously doubt my own abilities, and my abilities to be able to handle situatuations and the emotions that go with that.  This is a hurdle that I know I will need to be able to get past in order for my life to really change.  I hope one day I can find the strength and courage.

Today

Today was a pretty good day overall.  I was able to follow my meal plan for the most part, and I'm feeling a little bit of hope which is always a relief.  Thankfully I was also able to see Brina today, and that is always very comforting and helpful.  :-)

Tonight's practice was also pretty good.  Although I don't have everything swimming this weekend at the meet, I am feeling pretty confident about what is swimming.  I had been feeling pretty frustrated about the team routine, but tonight they swam it pretty well.  Hopefully they will be able to keep it together and have a strong showing this weekend.  Perhaps this year we can break the streak of swimming better at practice versus the competition... That would definitely be nice!! 

Tomorrow I am going to try to go "cold turkey" soda free... I'm not sure I will be able to do it, but I am going to try my best.  I realized I am not good with moderation, and although I have tried, I seem to be back into heavy consumption...  I guess it wouldn't be a huge problem if I wouldn't use it as a food substitute, but I do quite often so I know it's not a healthy thing for me to be doing. I might have picked an extra challenging time to start with the meet being this weekend though... Haha, wish me luck!!

   

Hump Day

Today has been a pretty good day overall, but I made some decisions last night that I am very ashamed about, and it's been haunting me a bit today.  My treatment team is encouraging me to not beat myself up over it, but it's hard to not be disappointed and feel like I'm failing at recovery.  That being said though I have yet to give up, and hopefully one day things will become easier and it won't be such a constant battle. I am glad that I see Brina, (my dietician,) tomorrow as I could certainly use the support right now!  I wish I could see them more often!

Depression seems to be a bit of a problem for me lately... A bit like a rollercoaster ride actually, and it's exhausting.  I go from various feelings of "no problem, I can totally do this," but in the next breath I may feel totally hopeless and without energy for life..  I wish I could just have clear thoughts and a clear vision on how to move forward!

This weekend we have our first routine competition of the season in Tucson. Unforunately my team is a little "under the weather" in various ways, and we will have to scratch a bunch of stuff, and or water down by swimming a shortened versions of the routines.  It's not ideal by any means, but it is what it is at this point, and I can only do what I can do.  Luckily it's not an important meet, and hopefully we'll be back up and running full speed again very soon... I'm trying to stay positive anyway!

Slipping...

The last week or so has been pretty rough, and I feel like I'm slipping back into old behaviors and habits.  When times get stressful it's so easy to do, (and comfortable,) and of course Ed is always so seducing.  My body image is completely in the toilet, and unfortunately I have resorted to restricting.  It doesn't help that I'm feeling a bit grossed out by my Mom, (as it seems like she is always eating,) and it is a huge trigger today.  I have eaten but have not followed my meal plan at all, am drinking way too much diet soda, and at this point in the day would like to completely fast.  I am trying to think logically though as this is not the direction I want to go, but pulling myself out of the quick sand today is proving to be extremely difficult...

Work has also been a bit frustrating.  Unfortunately it seems that we are having some bad luck, and I currently have a lot of unhealthy swimmers, (shoulder issues, appendix, possible mono and other health issues.)  I am trying to not let it stress me out to much, but we have our first competition next weekend, and I don't know who will be able to swim... Luckily it's not an important competition, but it is still stressful, as we are not able to prepare as we need to.  We have Zones in 6 weeks, and JR Nationals won't be too far after that.  I need my people healthy and training!  Hopefully things will turn around very soon, otherwise the season might be a loss. :-( 

I'm feeling like a need some space at the moment, and I'm not quite sure how to accomplish that while living at my Mom's house. It's just too much, and I'm not sure how to handle it with her, because it usually turns into a fight.  I don't want it to be like this, but I am an adult and I'm used to living alone and doing my own thing. I don't want to have to answer questions all day long, and I don't want to feel like I'm having to answer for everything I do.  It's just hard... I think I am ready to have my own place again, but it's still going to be a while.  The short sale of my condo is going very slowly, and I can't seem to get ahead financially.  It also will be pretty impossible for me to get a place with my current income..... Hopefully I will be able to find a part time job that I like that can help supplement!  It will take actually looking though, which is something I have really not done yet. 

Okay I've done a lot of complaining here haha... For the rest of the day I am going to search for all the positives in my life and try to focus on those for a while.  Perhaps that will help turn things around for me!

Just babbling...

So I don't really have much exciting to say, but I do feel like writing a bit so I will just babble haha.  I don't really think anyone reads this anyway so it really doesn't matter too much! ;-)

Anyway, I am doing okay, but feeling a little down and thinking a lot... It's been hard to turn my brain off the last couple of days, and it's been hard for me to feel attached to things going on around me, or to really engage in any conversation.  Yesterday my Mom and I went to the movies, (and I can't even remember the name of it... Something with Joy in it,) and then to lunch.  The movie was pretty good, but it was a little awkward with my Mom unfortunately, and we got into a bit of a fight.  We just think so differently that it's hard to relate to one another sometimes, and I think we both get really frustrated.  We ended up okay, but it did make the afternoon quite tense for a while.  Hopefully our next outing will go a little better!

Otherwise I am taking it day by day and trying to look for new hope and inspiration constantly.  I don't really feel that I'm getting anywhere sometimes, but although I stumble occasionally, (today Ed won one battle,) I don't really feel that I have gone backwards so that is something I'm trying to hold on to.  Hopefully at some point things will get easier and I'll be able to move forward again... Until then, I'm just trying to hang on and fight every day, sometimes hour by hour. :-) 

Another Friday night in paradise.

So I find myself sitting here in the "car room," at my Mom and step dad's house, alone on yet another Friday night. I have spent many of these fabulous nights over the years, as it seems that I am just not able to create anything more for myself.  On one hand I am relieved as this is the safe and comfortable option, but on the other hand it's very sad and lonely... I wonder if there will ever be anything more for me?  I wonder if I will ever be able to take "life by the horns," and live life to it's fullest?  I worry that this is all... I worry that I will never have what it takes to be able to go after anything more...  I worry that I will continue as I am for the rest of my life... At times is just seems to hopeless, and it's during those difficult times that I want to give up.

I have yet to give up though... I am still trying.  I am still waking up every single day hoping and praying that today might be the day that I am able to be the Jill I dream of.  I put one foot in front of the other, and forge forward despite the sometimes oppressive fear and depression.  I look for rays of hope amongst the clouds, and I scramble in the dark for a flashlight.  How long can I keep this up?  I don't know... Today I am trying to find the strength and the will to persevere for yet another day. 

_____________________

Yesterday I find out that Blue Cross/Blue Shield has decided to ask for all the money back that they paid for my treatment.  That amounts to about $50,000, and oh yah, please submit payment within 21 days.  OMG... Talk about something taking the air right out of you!  It's like a nightmare coming true, and the reality was that I did not know how I was going to be able to make it through this.  I immediately felt sick to my stomach and like I might pass out... I didn't know what to do, and I felt extreme anxiety.  I broke down sobbing in a panic, and my Mom was left trying to console me.  I felt that my life was over, and I was sure that I had ruined life for my entire family...

Today there is a bit of hope though... The Center For Change is appealing, and they will be fighting it with their attorneys.  They seem to feel confident that Blue Cross is in the wrong, so I pray that very soon this will all be cleared up, and we will be able to put this behind us!!

Trying to find my rainbow.

So I find myself  feeling pretty down and super frustrated tonight...  I am not sure why exactly, except that I am just feeling like I am going nowhere fast, and I do not know if I am capable of making the changes that I need to make in order for my life to be different.  I feel really stuck, and I don't know where to go from here.  I guess I was hoping to come out of CFC this magically different person, ready and able to now conquer the world... Unfortunately though that's not the case, and in the end I am the same old Jill with the same fears and insecurities.  I'm trying to look at it like I'm still a "work in progress," and that all takes time, but it's hard when you feel hopeless.  I guess I just wish I had a clear path to enlightenment... I wish I had things to look forward to.  I wish I still had goals and dreams, and some spark for life.  Instead though I feel heavy, I feel weighed down, and I feel unable to break free from the chains that bind me to my old way of thinking and living.  I feel that I have imprisoned myself in a cage that I may never be able to break free from.  I feel alone, I feel scared, and I'm not sure how much longer I can continue to feel this way...  It is a very dark place to be, but I am trying to be brave and I am trying to look toward the future. I am hoping that the new day will bring me clarity, and I will be able to see through the fog and the rain.  In order for this to happen though I need to dig down deep within my soul to find the will to continue on.  I need to find the life within me.  I hope and pray that there is something there and I can find the strength to push foward.  Can I do this?  I don't know... Tomorrow I will start a quest to find "my rainbow."       

Much Better!

I had a much better day today, and am so very thankful for that.  I was able to express my feelings about the interaction that I had with that dad last night, and I had therapy which certainly helped.  This was my first therapy session with this therapist that I was able to feel "real," and it felt really nice to be supported and understood.  I also feel a slight bit of hope, which can be rare to come by these days.  Hopefully tomorrow can be even better, and I can keep working toward having the life that I dream about! 

Another One Bites the Dust!

So today was a pretty rough day overall. I guess you could say that work is getting to me in a big way... I had 2 dads be pretty rude to me, and it seems I have completely lost all my confidence for coaching unfortunately.  I think there is a big part of me that wants to move on, but I'm not sure what else I would do, and I'm not sure I have the mental energy and strength to start over. I don't really feel qualified to do anything, and I would also feel really guilty leaving the team and "my girls."  It's all very overwhelming and scary.  Tonight it became clear to me that I need to do something though, (after crying for 2 hours straight.)  I either need to find a balance and accept myself in regards to coaching, or I need to move on and try something else...

I think I also realized that I have been trying so hard to be "all better," and have been putting on a bit of a "front" so to say.  I feel that there are all these expectations, (and from myself as well,) to be this brand new awesome person, but unfortunately it just doesn't work that way.  Truth is that I am still struggling with all the issues that made my ED so strong to begin with, and although my ED might be under control at the moment, the other stuff is unraveling fast.  I worry that it might be only a matter of time before I relapse, and that is absolutely terrifying.  I think about everything that my parents have sacrificed in order for me to go to CFC, and I don't want to let them down.  I also don't want to let me treatment team down, (from CFC or here.)  I try very hard to be this "perfect" person, and because perfection isn't possible I am setting myself up for failure.  All of this I logically know, but emotionally it's a different story.  Emotionally I am crippled and "broken."  I am trying not to lose hope though, and I pray that tomorrow will bring me more perspective, peace and clarity. 
     

Rough night

So I've had a bit of a hard night... I started feeling really restless, (perhaps I wasn't active enough today,) which turned to anxiety, which turned to self destructive urges.  So far I have been able to refrain from behaviors, but it's been very hard and I'm not sure I can hold out much longer.  A thanks goes out to Stefanie though for helping me through this tonight! :-) 

This is certainly not the way I wanted to start out the new year, but I am trying to remain optimistic that better and brighter days are ahead!  It just goes to show you that you have to be dilegent with your recovery... As soon as you relax ED strikes, (or in my case I call ED Olga haha). He/she is certainly a sneaky little bastard!   

2012

From the Arizona Republic today...  I love this!! "Enough already with the guilt-ridden, I'm-so-fat, I'm-so-lazy, I-must-fix-my-life,  NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS.  We're over it.  They don't help.  Get a grip!  THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.  You're fine.  Sure, pick a goal.  Do it.  You're capable.  But NO MORE BEATING YOURSELF UP.  The phrase is not "Have a Guilty New Year."  Take a breath, SEE THE GOOD IN YOURSELF.  If you must make a resolution, start with one of those you're find below.  Because the biggest word in "Happy New Year should be HAPPY."  :-)

"Leave change in the vending machine for the next person to find.  Send a handwritten letter to a child.  With a stamp, write his or her name on the envelope.  He or she should know the thrill.  Kiss someone as if you mean it.  Get 10 things out of your closet that make you feel bad.  Take them to Goodwill.  Frame a piece of art.  Adopt a dog or cat from a rescue organization.  Go 24 hours without the internet.  Throw out the old ketchup packets in your desk drawer.  Find a new recipe.  No, a new one.  When a friend or co-worker loses a loved one, mark it on the calendar, ask how he or she is doing in six months.  Se a late move.  Wear your seat belt, and make others do it, too.  Do one thing you keep putting off.  Laugh out loud in real life.  Dowload music in another language.  Take your child out of school one day and go play.  Get to know the benefit of the doubt.  Leave a wildly inappropriate tip.  Take a leap of faith.  Change the radio station.  Stop feeling guilty unless you really are.  Get a physical.  But something in a new color.  Eat somewhere across town.  Notice someone.  Come up with a new, satisfying cuss word.  Sign your organ-doination card.  Write a manifesto.  Watch an old movie.  Pay anonymously for the person behind you in the drive-through lane at teh coffee shop.  But flowers for new reason.  Eat on the pation in January.  Call a freind in teh northeast as you do.  Find an old friend.  Pick up a rock that catches your eye.  Carry it around in your pocket.  Make a CD or play.ist of the music you loved in high school, play it to distraction.  Spend one day by yourself.  Deal with your photos, (you know what to do.)  Make an appointment with yourself at 3 each day to walk around the block.  Yes while you're at work.  Get a library card.  Dissect the junk drawer.  Who was your teenage pop crush?  Find a photo and print it.  Put the Christmas lights away right.  Pick one thing you don't understand and learn about it.  Stop texting while driving.  Buy new music, and not just the top-selling hit on ITunes.  Pick one negative thing your brain tells you and set it straight.  TAlk to the person in the corner.  Sto for a doughnut, just one.  Put folded-up dollar bills in a spot in your car so you can easily give one to someone on the corner.  Learn the art of deep breathing.  Watch cartoons on Saturday morning.  Stop using made-up words.  Take old towels to a vet or pet shelter.  Write a fan letter.  Vow to stop dressing up your pets.  Register to vote.  Actually vote.  Make a list of your 10 favorite books and re-read them.  Pay attendin to a child who isn't yours.  Vow to look at the cellphone bill and figure out why is costs that much.  Walk up one flight of stairs a day.  When you can do that, make it two.  Mute the commercials.  Ask docts hard questions.  They work for you.  Deal with what holds you back.  Buy a turntable at a garage sale and play your vinyl records.  Smile at someone cute in a car.  Are you a birthday slacker?  Vow not the miss one all year.  Put an old leash in your car in case you see a lost dog.  If you never apologize, learn to do it well.  If you apologize too often, learn to stop. Buy ribbon.  Put a plant on your desk.  Something else should be alive in your cubicle.  If you're in a rut, get out.  Send a thank you note to a teacher who made a difference in your life.  Take a different way to work.  Remember that dream?  Take a baby stop, just one.  Write a love letter.  And ok, sure:  Eat well, exercise more, quit smoking, (no lecture, we just like having your around.)"