Another Friday night in paradise.

So I find myself sitting here in the "car room," at my Mom and step dad's house, alone on yet another Friday night. I have spent many of these fabulous nights over the years, as it seems that I am just not able to create anything more for myself.  On one hand I am relieved as this is the safe and comfortable option, but on the other hand it's very sad and lonely... I wonder if there will ever be anything more for me?  I wonder if I will ever be able to take "life by the horns," and live life to it's fullest?  I worry that this is all... I worry that I will never have what it takes to be able to go after anything more...  I worry that I will continue as I am for the rest of my life... At times is just seems to hopeless, and it's during those difficult times that I want to give up.

I have yet to give up though... I am still trying.  I am still waking up every single day hoping and praying that today might be the day that I am able to be the Jill I dream of.  I put one foot in front of the other, and forge forward despite the sometimes oppressive fear and depression.  I look for rays of hope amongst the clouds, and I scramble in the dark for a flashlight.  How long can I keep this up?  I don't know... Today I am trying to find the strength and the will to persevere for yet another day. 

_____________________

Yesterday I find out that Blue Cross/Blue Shield has decided to ask for all the money back that they paid for my treatment.  That amounts to about $50,000, and oh yah, please submit payment within 21 days.  OMG... Talk about something taking the air right out of you!  It's like a nightmare coming true, and the reality was that I did not know how I was going to be able to make it through this.  I immediately felt sick to my stomach and like I might pass out... I didn't know what to do, and I felt extreme anxiety.  I broke down sobbing in a panic, and my Mom was left trying to console me.  I felt that my life was over, and I was sure that I had ruined life for my entire family...

Today there is a bit of hope though... The Center For Change is appealing, and they will be fighting it with their attorneys.  They seem to feel confident that Blue Cross is in the wrong, so I pray that very soon this will all be cleared up, and we will be able to put this behind us!!