Today has been a pretty good day overall, but I made some decisions last night that I am very ashamed about, and it's been haunting me a bit today. My treatment team is encouraging me to not beat myself up over it, but it's hard to not be disappointed and feel like I'm failing at recovery. That being said though I have yet to give up, and hopefully one day things will become easier and it won't be such a constant battle. I am glad that I see Brina, (my dietician,) tomorrow as I could certainly use the support right now! I wish I could see them more often!
Depression seems to be a bit of a problem for me lately... A bit like a rollercoaster ride actually, and it's exhausting. I go from various feelings of "no problem, I can totally do this," but in the next breath I may feel totally hopeless and without energy for life.. I wish I could just have clear thoughts and a clear vision on how to move forward!
This weekend we have our first routine competition of the season in Tucson. Unforunately my team is a little "under the weather" in various ways, and we will have to scratch a bunch of stuff, and or water down by swimming a shortened versions of the routines. It's not ideal by any means, but it is what it is at this point, and I can only do what I can do. Luckily it's not an important meet, and hopefully we'll be back up and running full speed again very soon... I'm trying to stay positive anyway!
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