So today was a pretty rough day overall. I guess you could say that work is getting to me in a big way... I had 2 dads be pretty rude to me, and it seems I have completely lost all my confidence for coaching unfortunately. I think there is a big part of me that wants to move on, but I'm not sure what else I would do, and I'm not sure I have the mental energy and strength to start over. I don't really feel qualified to do anything, and I would also feel really guilty leaving the team and "my girls." It's all very overwhelming and scary. Tonight it became clear to me that I need to do something though, (after crying for 2 hours straight.) I either need to find a balance and accept myself in regards to coaching, or I need to move on and try something else...
I think I also realized that I have been trying so hard to be "all better," and have been putting on a bit of a "front" so to say. I feel that there are all these expectations, (and from myself as well,) to be this brand new awesome person, but unfortunately it just doesn't work that way. Truth is that I am still struggling with all the issues that made my ED so strong to begin with, and although my ED might be under control at the moment, the other stuff is unraveling fast. I worry that it might be only a matter of time before I relapse, and that is absolutely terrifying. I think about everything that my parents have sacrificed in order for me to go to CFC, and I don't want to let them down. I also don't want to let me treatment team down, (from CFC or here.) I try very hard to be this "perfect" person, and because perfection isn't possible I am setting myself up for failure. All of this I logically know, but emotionally it's a different story. Emotionally I am crippled and "broken." I am trying not to lose hope though, and I pray that tomorrow will bring me more perspective, peace and clarity.
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