So we have our first routine meet of the season this weekend in Tucson. It's not a very important meet, but of course we all want to have a good showing. I am a little nervous to see how I will be able to handle the stress, (and the meet schedule.) In the past I have ALWAYS restricted, and I'm not sure I will be able to avoid doing that this weekend. Things get busy, and I get stressed, and before I know it the day is gone and I haven't eaten, (or have eaten very little.) I am worried that this will happen again, but honestly I'm even more worried that I want this to happen again. The stupid little voice, (Olga,) in my head just chattering at me non-stop... "Jill it would be really fun to see how long you can go without eating." Or "Jill how about just eating fruit from now on." It goes on and on... Olgas ideas of fun are endless, continuous and always very loud!
Beyond that I am going to try and have a fun time.... I really enjoy spending time with my swimmers and most of the parents, and of course the other coaches. It is important to me that everyone leaves Tucson feeling positive and energized for the future. We have a great group, so hopefully that goal will be able to be reality. Of course I will do my best!
Ok now just to vent a little about living with the parentals at this stage in my life... Although it is helpful and I need to be here for several reasons, it is very hard. I feel like I have no privacy, and I am not used to that. My Mom, (although meaning well,) is always there drilling me with questions, and a lot of times just looking at me. I tell her that this makes me really uncomfortable and can she please not watch me, but she still does it all the time. To make matters worse she often does it when I'm trying to eat something, which is certainly not helpful for me, and in fact makes me want to throw the food and refuse to eat. I know that is not the answer so I have not acted on those impulses, but it's getting harder and harder for me and I am starting to feel a little rebelious. I know this is silly, but when my frustration reaches a high level I'm not sure quite how to handle it unfortunately. Hopefully I won't have to stay here for too much longer, and I will be able to move on with my life. Step 1 still has to happen though... The short sale of my condo needs to go through. It is just taking forever so it's been a bit disheartening. I'm hoping things can turn around soon though, and I will be able to make plans for my future. Having no plans makes me feel really stuck and aimless... I need to have things to get excited about, and things to work toward, otherwise recovery just seems rather pointless. It would be great to have some dreams again... I think I am too scared to dream or hope for anything, as I fear I will never be able to get there, or I will be too hurt in the process. I guess you could say that I seriously doubt my own abilities, and my abilities to be able to handle situatuations and the emotions that go with that. This is a hurdle that I know I will need to be able to get past in order for my life to really change. I hope one day I can find the strength and courage.
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