Olga

After a little rough patch, I had a couple of good days.  I was tired of feeling sick, and wanted to try and get back on track.  It took a day or so, but finally I felt better and felt relatively strong again.  Last night though Olga was starting to make her presence known... Although I ate dinner, she was "yapping" in my ear telling me what a "fat ass" I am.  This morning I woke up and had breakfast, but after having a run, (my legs still are tight and feel like lead but I was able to run farther than last time,) I simply felt weak and Olga took control.  It wasn't that I didn't eat anything... I still ate, but I know it was not enough.  Unfortunately though Olga enjoyed it a lot, and is fighting now to regain complete.  Tonight I ate a descent dinner though, so hopefully tomorrow I will be able to turn things around, (and I see Brina.) 

Otherwise the week has been going fairly well.  My mood overall has been a lot better, and I am feeling a little bit of hope for the future.  It also looks like I'll be starting at Starbucks on Monday... I'm excited, but also kind of nervous.  I just hope things go alright, and I hope I'm able to be successful.  I know it's not a super important or high level job, but I still want to be good at it.  I'm also hoping it might be fun as well. :-) 

Relapse?

Well I think I have to admit to myself that I have relapsed a bit... I have not been doing what I should bd doing, and have been seduced by the power of Ed, (or in my case Olga,) a lot lately.  Earlier in the week I went for a walk with my Mom... The walk takes about an hour or so, and is somewhat challenging... Lots of hills and bumpy trails.  Then later in the day I had a burst of energy and decided to also go running.  I did my usual run as of lately, I run about 3 miles and then walk like 1.  I felt pretty good, (well as good as I ever really feel running,) but later in the day I started to feel really sick.  It felt flu like... I was super achey, nauseous and extremely tired.  The next day I still felt a bit sick, but started to feel a little better later in the day.  I thought perhaps I had the flu, but in retrospect, I may have over done it, and probably hadn't eaten enough to support my activity... Then yesterday I coached for 4 hours, then decided to come home and immediately try to go running.  I felt ok at first, but after about 10 minutes I started to feel pretty sick.  I was getting really bad cramps in my stomach and back, I got super nauseous, and my legs were also cramping and felt like lead.  I tried to keep pushing myself, but after 15 minutes I had to stop and walk the rest of the way home.  I was pretty frustrated and disappointed in myself, and I couldn't quite understand why it happened.  I mean aren't things supposed to get easier and better the more you do them?  I've been running quite often, and it seems that lately it's been a lot harder... It dawned on me that I hadn't drank any water or anything other then diet soda for days, and I thought perhaps I was dehydrated.  Once I realized that I tried to drink water but was having a hard time.  I texted Brina and she wanted me to drink some gatorade, (which I did.)  I tried to get back on track eating better, and I tried to drink as much water and gatorade as I could.  I was so so tired, and I ended up falling asleep before 10:00, (which is extremely rare for me.)  I slept last night for 11 hours straight and when I woke up still felt like crap.  I got up and ran a few errands, and came back and went back to bed, (which is also very rare for me.)  Since then I've been trying to stay more active and have been trying to will myself to feel better.  Unfortunately tonight I still feel pretty lousy, and all I can think about is sleeping.  I started to worry that perhaps my issues with Gluten and eggs may be returning, so I text Brina, "Do you think it could be the Gluten thing?"  She responded with "No - it's the ed thing."  I guess I had known that I was probably making myself sick, but was also in denial about it.  I'm hoping that tomorrow I will wake up and feel better, and hopefully get back on the track to recovery.  Unfortunately "Olga" is always there enticing me to engage in behaviors... "Wouldn't it be fun to see how long you can go without eating?"  "Wouldn't it be nice to see your ribs and hip bones clearly?"  "You absolutely have to get rid of that God awful stomach... It's absolutely disgusting."  "You have to tone up..."  On and on it goes... I hope those thoughts will eventually subside, and hopefully I will be able to snap myself out of this relapse soon!! 

Super long day!

So today felt like it was about a week long... I first had an interview at Target at 10:00.  I had to get there a little early to take a "questionaire," which was basically a math quiz.  Then I am ready for the interview and they determine I'm at the wrong Target.  So frantically I head down Power road to another Target.  They ask me to take the quiz again, (which I'm not so thrilled about because it was not fun haha,) and then I interviewed with 2 different people.  I think it ended up going well, but won't be devastated if I don't get the job... It's not that many hours, and it doesn't pay that well.  The 2nd Interviewer said that I could be cross trained though and could move up the ladder fast since I have a degree. That made things a little bit more interesting anyway.

After I down a Diet Mountain Dew, (my reward,) and go back to my Mom and step dads house to pace for a while.  I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself since I had another interview at 2:30.  I was super anxious, and there was no way I could just chill.  I know it was silly to be so nervous, but it had been a long time since I had had interviews, and I had no idea what to expect at Starbucks.  So finally it was time to go, and I nervously head out... I get there and they offer me a free drink, so I ordered myself my favorite, (which is a Carmel Frap, ) and wait for Silas to come meet with me.  I sat there for about 10 minutes or so, and then the interview began.  After about 8 minutes it was over, and I was free to go.  It was super easy, and very painless... I don't know what that means though... It could mean that he liked me and didn't need to know anymore, or it could be mean the opposite.  Part of me hopes it works out, but part of me would like to wait a little longer before I find something.  Of course I need to be a bit busier, and I need money, but I have also been enjoying having a some more time to myself.  I guess we'll see what happens!

Okay so back to my day haha... I went from Starbucks straight to the pool and worked on suits for a little while, (before I had 3 privates.)  It was a little hard to focus after everything, but I did my best.  Now I am just exhausted, and certainly not looking forward to getting up at 6 tomorrow to go coach figures for 4 hours... It does make me realize that I am "over" synchro though, and that I made the right decision to get out for so many reasons.  I am so so glad that I don't have to worry about West Zones next week, and I get to stay home with my doggies. :-) 

Okay...

So today I'm feeling much better than yesterday.  I was really anxious to go to the pool, but it ended up going better than I expected.  It was a little awkward at first, but the girls were all pretty friendly, and once I started I was fine.  It's a little hard to see my old routines being changed so much, but I knew she would so at least I was ready for that.  She is biting off a whole lot though, and I think it might be way more than she can chew...  I guess we shall see!

I guess things have been like a roller coaster lately, and I sure hope things can smooth out soon.  On Friday I have 2 interviews... It's been a while since I've had an interview, so I know I will be pretty nervous.  My 1st one is for Target, and my 2nd one is for Starbucks.  Neither is my dream job of course, (and I'm not even sure what that is really,) but I hope that one of them will work out just so I can stay a little busier, (and of course make some money.)  Regardless though I will keep plugging a long until I find something that works for me. 

Right now I am watching "My 600 Pound Life..."  I probably shouldn't watch it, but I can't help myself.  I know logically that I don't have to worry about that, but sometimes when other people need to worry about things I think I do as well.  I guess I get confused what's real and what's not sometimes... Oh man, it's absolutely terrifying!!!!

When?

So I think I made another mistake agreeing to go back and coach for the team at all.  I was there for a private today, and it was just so very hard, and ended up making me feel really bad about myself... I'm really not sure how I'm going to be able to handle the next 2 days... I should not have come back to the team after returning from CFC, and I should not have agreed to go back to do this... I keep opening myself up for heartache over and over.  When will I feel ok again?  When will I be okay in my own skin?  I am so scared that there is nothing more for me... I just don't know how much longer I can handle feeling like this... :-( 

Solution

So after all of the tears and heartache the last week or so, I have agreed to stay with the team under a completely new title of "figure specialist."  This was my idea, and I think it's something that I can feel good about.  I can still be involved with the team, but way less hours, and way less stress.  I will also be able to do privates still with the club, and will actually be set up to have the ability to do more privates then ever before.  I am hopeful that this can work out... I feel good at least that it was under my terms.

Otherwise the day was a little hard as I continually thought about the girls and the competition.  I tried to do things to distract me; however, I was not very successful.  I tried to run but just wasn't feeling it today so stopped after about 1.5 miles... Then I was looking for a copy of my resume and got super frustrated because I couldn't find a hard copy, nor could I find a copy on my computer.  I decided that maybe it was in my old, old computer, and so I made the journey over to Ahwautukee and fished it out of one of the boxes.  Luckily it was there, I was able to update it, and have sent it off to my dad to do some changes/polishing.  Hopefully my dad can get to that soon, and I can start getting the resume out and about.  I would really love to find a job sometime in the near future!  Luckily the hours that I will be coaching will not affect my ability to find a job.

Better Day

Today was a better day for the most part.  After waking up and getting ready I went over to Jaime's house for most of the day.  She is doing a lot of crafty type projects that she needed my help with.  I'm not sure that I was really too helpful, (actually quite the opposite I'm afraid haha,) but it was a nice distraction for me.  We also went out to lunch at the Olive Garden, which was good but definitely a challenge.  I still kept thinking of the competition from time to time, but I was able to stay more positive about it.  A few girls and some Moms texted me from time to time, so that was nice, but hard at the same time... I will be glad when this meet is over, and they get back to practice as "normal."  It's all still pretty fresh and raw.

Another hard day...

Today was a pretty hard day overall.  I went to the pool to work on some suits, and got there I noticed that the pictures that I had up with me in them where all down and in a drawer.  I was supposed to have a private with the president's daughter, but I decided that I really couldn't go through with it so I cancelled it.  Unfortunately I was not able to get out of there early enough and she ran and caught me, (even though I tried to go around the other way.)  I'm not sure what her goal was, but she ended up making me feel worse about the situation.  I told her that I felt that I had been set up for all of this, and she basically made me feel like I was imagining things.  I don't think I'm imagining things... I think there was a plan, and I think that plan was to replace me.

It's all been a little harder today as well because this weekend is the Cactus Classic, and of course I am not there.  It's pretty difficult to know that there is a meet going on while I am at home, and to make matters worse I feel that I am not missed.  It may also be the case that certain people are ecstatic that I'm not there... It's all very disheartening and humiliating.

Tomorrow is a new day though, and I'm going to really try and turn things around for myself.  I want very badly to be able to get past this, and create some kind of life for myself.  I mean things really can't get that much worse can they?  Gosh I really hope not!!

Long days...

So now that I don't have a job anymore, my days seem to drag on and on... Each day feels like 2 or 3, and I feel like I'm spinning in circles.  I have been going in for a while during the day to work on the suits, but I try to make sure to be out of there before anyone gets there.  Yesterday I didn't realize it and Jessica got there really early for a private.. It was pretty awkward and I got out of there as fast as I could.  It's weird to feel like that somewhere that has basically been my life for so many years... I have mixed feelings still.  I feel a tremdous amount of relief, but I still feel really sad for the way things happened, and for the relationships I have now lost.  I just hope that this will all get easier with time!

This afternoon I went out to lunch with Paul and Laura at the "Pita Jungle."  I have never been there before, and was a little overwhelmed by the menu, but ended up liking what I got.  I also had a very nice time chatting with them, and felt suppported, which was great.  I will definitely miss seeing them at the pool! 

So now what???

Frustrated

Well a different day, a different emotion!  Today I have been feeling really frustrated and also a bit angry... Although I know I need a break from synchro and to try new things, I am pissed that essentially I was pushed out.  I'm the one ending up looking like the "bad guy," and that is really unfair, especially considering the circumstances.  I am also angry because my contract says that I am not supposed to provide coaching services for any other swimmer or team in Arizona, and that essentially keeps me trapped for a year.  I already have offers to help other teams in the area, so I would really like to help out and be able to continue to earn a living.  I have also had offers from other teams in the US, which I am not considering right now, but it has done a lot to help brighten the situation for me.  It's nice to feel wanted. :-)   

Today I also changed my e-mail address.  Of course I'll still have to check my old one for a while, but I figured that I would like a new e-mail to go along with my fresh start.  I also used the opportunity to let a lot of my synchro friends know that I am no longer with the team.  They said I can still do privates, but we'll see... It might be hard for me to do that if someone else is getting all the credit, (and someone who has hurt me nonetheless.)  I do need the money though, so I guess I will have to think about it.   

Heartbroken

Today I am feeling really sad... Although I still feel relieved, I also feel thrown out like garbage.  After all these years in the sport and this is how it ends for me?  I'm not sure how to get over these feelings... It hurts like hell.  :-( 

On a positive note I have started applying for other jobs. Nothing important or anything just retail... I hope I can find something soon to keep me occupied and busy.  I am already feeling lost and confused, so I need to find some purpose again ASAP.  Hopefully something will work out...

Later in the day...
Cycling through different emotions all day... Sadness, hopelessness, anger, worthlessness, relief, hope... It's all been rather exhausting.  I feel like my "life got flipped turned upside down," and I am trying to figure out where to go from here.  Luckily I am in a position in my life that I can try to start over, and I'm just trying to find the will and the strength to fight.  It's truly been a minute by minute battle.  I hope that soon I may be able to find some peace within my self and in my life. I am going to try and hang on... 

Relieved

I have been back home from practice now for a few hours and I feel really relieved.  It was difficult for me to tell the girls and to say "good bye," but I do feel that I got a pretty nice send off, (people seemed to care anyway.)  They asked if I would still be willing to do privates and I said "yes," and I also e-mailed that I would be willing to be a figure specialist and named my price.  I don't know what will come of that, but I put it out there so the ball is in their court.  If it works out, great... If not, then that's fine too.  I am finally free of the pressure regardless, so I am pretty content at the moment.  Of course now I'll have to figure out what's next, and I really have no idea... Hopefully I can find something at least temporarily to have something to do and have some more money coming in.  I will probably start to apply to some retail places this weekend, and will try to find a place to get my resume done soon.

We also got a letter from Blue Cross and it looks like they are reversing the previous decision to deny coverage for my inpatient treatment!  If that is the case it is certainly really good news, and we can breathe a little sigh of relief!  My Mom will call CFC first thing on Monday morning to see if we are reading it right, but my Mom seems to be really confident that she is... I will wait to get too excited until Monday, but hopefully some more pieces will start to fall into place for me soon!  

Done

I did it... I officially resigned as Head Coach for the club effective tomorrow at 3:00... It is a pretty sad way for me to end things after all that I have been through with the club, but I am also very relieved.  The pressure has been incredible, and I constantly felt like I wasn't good enough.  Now I feel like I can move on with my life, and hopefully create a whole new reality for myself.  I am no longer chained down by the weight and perfectionistic nature of synchronized swimming, and I can have a chance to live a whole different kind of life.  Although I am scared, I am also excited.  I hope this will be the change I need in my life to help me move forward and find the things I have been searching for.  Perhaps I'll be able to find some self confidence, some new passions, and maybe even some fun...Tomorrow will start my whole new life! 

Yah...

So tonight did not go very well unfortunately... I went into the board meeting to share how I feel about things, (and how the nasty e-mail made me feel,) and they started picking apart everything that I said.  They made me feel so mentally and emotionally inferior and I lost it... I said "I can't do this anymore and walked out." I guess that means I'm done... After everything I have done for the team, and after all the heartache and sacrifice, I'm simply disposable.  What a way to end.  I'm absolutely devastated, yet relieved at the same time.  Now where to go from here??

Crossroads

So after a few very rough days I find myself at a crossroads... It seems as if my skills are no longer valued at my job, so I am considering resigning.  It's difficult because I have put my heart and soul into the team, and have given everything I have.  I sacrificed my health and well being, and unfortunately have put myself into a position where I now have nothing else in my life.  Internally I am torn because I still love synchro, and I love the girls, but I hate it at the same time.  It's a very perfectionistic environment, and it never feels that what I am doing is good enough.  I always feel that I'm expected to do more, produce more, win more.  I am held to a standard that is very unforgiving... It has paralyzed me, and has made me incredibly depressed and sick.  So a huge part of me is screaming to "get out now!" but I feel stuck as I'm not sure what else I would do.  My confidence has taken a huge beating, and I don't feel qualified to do anything else.  My parents are saying "stay and fight," but I don't have the fight in me.  Unfortunately though I also don't feel that I have the strength to start a job search. I just don't know what to do... I feel lost and confused, and it's a very scary position to be in.   

So I wrote the above a little earlier today, and tonight I am feeling slightly better.  Although I am still not sure what I want to do, I do know that I am no longer willing to sell my soul indefinitely to the team.  Just in making that decision it makes me feel a little more free.  I guess at this point we'll see what happens tomorrow...  

Better Days!

So the last couple of days have been much better then Wednesday and Thursday.  Although today was a really long day at the pool, I was much calmer, and didn't feel nearly as "revved up."  I am still pretty anxious about the amount of work I still have to do, but I will just keep working hard and hopefully things will all fall into place.  I guess if things don't fall into place it's not the end of the world... although I know it may feel that way!

Tonight I am just hanging at home and relaxing. Tomorrow I'll probably go to the pool for a little bit to do some glitter work, and perhaps I'll try to go for a swim.  I still feel really uncomfortable in a swim suit, but I do enjoy swimming, and would love to build up my upper body again. I have been running and riding a bike quite a bit, so hopefully I'll feel like I'm back in shape soon...  Of course Olga says I need to lose quite a bit of weight, (and she is constantly talking at me,) but I'm trying to silence her as much as possible and trust my treatment team instead.  It is definitely a huge challenge though, and it can be really confusing because I don't know what is real and what's not.  I hope that eventually it won't be so hard... It's absolutely exhausting.  I am trying to stay positive though!  :-)
         

Turbulence

Today has been another rough day... I just don't understand what's going on with me.  I was having a lot of trouble in my appointment... I couldn't stay present and I couldn't think straight.  I started shaking and crying and it was really confusing... I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Synchro is pretty stressful right now... I'm trying to finish all the routines, (quite frantically at this point,) and decided to just add a trio and combo.  I don't know if I'm making the best decision on this, but they've been started now so I guess I'll have to make it work somehow.  It doesn't help that I am seriously doubting my abilities, and feel like I am going to fail miserably.  I try to stay positive and go in there each day fresh, but the pressure has really been intense, and I'm not sure how I will manage to hold up during this competition season.  I think if I can have a realy productive practice on Saturday though it will certainly help me feel a bit more at ease.  I'm really worried I may have a major breakdown at some point.  I sure hope that won't be the case though.

Tomorrow will be a more relaxing day as I just have a couple of privates, and perhaps I'll work on the suits a little.  Otherwise I'm going to try and take it a bit easy as it seems as if I get overwhelmed very easily these days.  I will try and run again though, as it seems to help me a little bit with my stress level and bit and gives me a sense of accomplishment.  I like to run a little further each time so I feel like I"m making progress.  Sometimes I can do it and sometimes I can't... Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to!

Stormy Ride

So today has been pretty weird... This morning I felt really excited, a little restless, and quite spastic, but it has progressively turned into extreme frustration and agitation.  I don't know what is going on with me, but it's terrible... This morning I kind of liked it, but tonight I feel like I want to pull my hair out.  I just don't know what to do with myself, and I feel like I could be really self destructive.  I really hope I don't feel like this tomorrow... It is a very stormy ride!

I had a bit of a hard therapy session yesterday, and Betsy was asking me a lot of questions about my past.  It seems that she thinks that I may have gone through some trauma...  Unfortunately I don't remember much, and have been trying really hard to recall anything.  I talked to my Mom for quite a while, and this morning she tried her best to put everything she knew down on a timeline. I'm hoping that if I can remember anything that it might spark more memories. This afternoon I even called my dad to ask him, but it seemed that he remembered even less than my Mom...  I'm hoping that something will come to me soon, so far all I have are feelings, and vague little clips that I don't even know are real.  It's really frustrating. 

Tonight I was so agitated I had a bit of a hard practice... I didn't have any patience, and I felt a constant race against time which stressed me out more.  I think I'm trying to do too much, but I really want the girls to have as many opportunities as possible.  Hopefully in the next week or so we'll be able to finish up some more things so I can feel a little calmer about everything!