Desperately seeking peace

My last post was speaking of dissociating... I have been having a lot of trouble with it lately, and at times it can be pretty debilitating.  It's also pretty disturbing when it happens to say the least... :-(

So right now I am in Vegas at a competition.  I had a pretty good day yesterday, and most of the day today I have been fine, but tonight I crashed pretty hard.  I'm still having lots of trouble with Shelly's death, and I heard some things that were said about me which were upsetting. I also just feel so alone and like my existence and presence really isn't wanted or needed.  If I could at this very moment switch places with Shelly I would.  I feel like she has more to offer this world and I am just taking up space. 

Of course I'm also really worried about my Grandma, and it's hard to know that my Mom is there with my brother.  I really worry about him hurting her, and I don't know how long she will be there.  I also worry that when my grandma does pass away that my brother will have nothing to live for and will take a huge nose dive.  It's no secret that he's a troubled soul, alcholic, drug addict, and I think either bipolar or schizophrenic.  There's just so much uncertainty that it's really scary.  It also seems like one thing after another keeps happening and I just can't quite handle it all...

On a bright note we don't have any competition tomorrow so we are going to the strip.  I am really excited about this as I have never seen it, and I plan to take lots of pictures.  :-) 

Enough from me for now... Going to try and do something soothing for myself.

What's happening?!

I am off in lala land.  I cannot focus... I cannot come back.  My head hurts so bad... I don't understand what's happening...I am unable to function.  I am trying to pack but I it's taken me hours and I still cannot finish.  I have to leave in the morning... I have to be able to function.  The pressure inside my head is so intense... I feel like my head might explode.  I can see my heartbeats through my eyes. I'm spinning in circles... I am falling.

I'm trying desperately to climb my way back but just as I get to the top I slip and fall again.  Fuzzy... fuzzy... so very, very fuzzy.  I think maybe I should just sleep.  I hope tomorrow things become clear again... I must admit though... I am scared.    

Hospice

Well it's been pretty rough... Last week I had to make the decision to have my beautiful doggie Jackie put to sleep.  It was absolutely heartbreaking, and I will miss her forever.  :-(  Now today I find out that Hospice is being sent for my Grandma... I am kind of in shock, and feel so desperately guilty that I can't be there with her.  I won't get to say "good-bye..." I am heart sick. 

I just don't know how much I can keep going sometimes... Last night I counted out my pills... "Would it be enough?"  "Would it do the trick?"  I really just can't bare all the pain... It all just hurts so much.  I am so alone...

So sad

Tonight I am so so sad... I found out that going to Utah for the reunion might not work out for me, and it seems that it might be time for Jackie to be put to sleep.  Sometimes it all just seems too much for me... I know these aren't catastrophic things and people go through it all the time, but it's enough to throw my world upside down.  It seems like when I start to gain a little momentum then it all unravels again.  Tonight I don't want to continue on... :-( 

Apartments

Today my Mom and I looked at like 8 apartments.  I am very excited that I liked almost all of them, and that I should hopefully have some good options when it's time to move.  I still don't know when that will be quite yet, but I think it will help me to have a goal in mind, (6 months maybe?)  I'm praying it won't be too much longer before I'm out on my own again and living in Scottsdale!  :-) 

Things have been going ok.  I have my moments when I feel like I cannot go on, but I'm also having some good moments.  It's just when I'm down I'm really down... Like Saturday night I was in Tucson and I had a pretty hard night... Lots of bad thoughts, and also had pretty bad nightmares.  I don't remember exactly what the nightmares were, but they seemed very familar to me. It's really wish I could remember my life... There's just a huge blank for most of it.  I can't help but feel that there were things that happened.  I just can't seem to put the pieces together.  I hope someday maybe I can, or that I can move past the feelings at least.

This weekend I made a "Tumblr" account... I wanted to see what it was so I tried it out.  It quickly became really clear to me that I would use that for "thinspo" and "fitspo."  I wasn't able to delete it right away, but last night I did.  I am still obsessing majorly about my body, so I really don't need to add any fuel to that fire, (and Pinterest already triggers me at times).  I guess I just feel that I have been working really hard to get the kind of body I want, and I just really don't see it changing... It makes me feel really frustrated and disgusted with myself.  Perhaps what I want is not realistic, but it seems that lots of other girls are able to do it so why can't I?  I just don't get why my body won't cooperate... It makes me just want to diet and workout like crazy, which of course would probably put me right back where I was this time last year... Hopefully I'll start to see some results soon so I don't have to go to extreme measures.  There is of course a part of me that misses all of that, and of course I really miss the body I had then.  I am trying to listen to my treatment team though, and to stay strong.  It's definitely not easy... Sometimes, (like Saturday night,) I just want to "throw the towel in."  I am pretty darn certain that if I didn't continue to see Betsy and Brina that I would for sure be in big trouble!

Okay well that's all the excitement I have for tonight.  Haha... I know, I know... Super LAME!!

Gah!

So it's been a while again... Some days I feel pretty good, and then the next day I'm a complete disaster.  I wish I could be a little more consistent... I just feel all over the place.  Last week I had a hard therapy session and that night I ended up purging.  I really don't know why... I just became obsessed and couldn't turn off the thoughts.  I was even trying to purge while I was out walking my dogs... I like really didn't care if anyone saw me, (although I did kind of try to hide behind a bush.)  Then last night I had the urge again.  I don't know why this is happening... I worry that maybe my anorexia is morphing... I sure hope not.  :-/

Last Thursday when I was seeing Brina I started really "spacing out."  I wasn't feeling good and nearly lost my ability to function.  It was really embarassing... I felt myself starting to panic and I didn't know what to do.  She ended up getting me a Boost.  Then today when I saw Betsy the same thing started happening about 1/2 way through... This time though I got like the sweats and I had to tell her that I wasn't feeling very well. The rest of today I've been like incredibly hungry and I can't seem to get full... It's terrible and scary.  It all just sucks because I really want to do better, and for the most part I feel like I've tried.  I just get so confused sometimes, and can get off course so easily.  I also feel like my body is betraying me... Like if I slip up even a little the consequences seem extreme.  I just don't know...  I really hope Brina and Betsy aren't too disappointed in me... I worry that maybe they will lose faith in me and give up.  If that happened I would be beyond devastated.

Otherwise I have been staying pretty busy with privates and have been doing lots and lots of driving.  I'm a little worried about how many miles I am putting on my car, but hopefully I'll be able to get my own place sometime in the near future so I don't have to commute so much.  I know I will have to have another job though and that worries me... I'm not sure I can handle having another job.  I have trouble managing myself with even the schedule that I have now... I don't want to live with my Mom and Rich forever though so I hope I can get myself together.  I feel like I am falling and failing.  I am scared.

It's been a while!

It's been a little while since I've posted last... I guess I don't feel like I've had much to say, or maybe I just say the same things over and over.  My life is also pretty damn boring for the most part, and nobody probably reads this anyway...

Regardless I thought I would write for myself just to get some of the thoughts out of my head.  Things have been pretty up and down... It's like a crazy roller coaster except it's not fun haha.  Anyway, I hit a little rough patch last week when my mom and step dad got into another fight.  I don't really know what happened, but they were screaming at each other and it really scares me when they do that.  I got really upset and pretty much panicked and left for a little while and sat in the parking lot of Bashas.  I just didn't know what to do and I felt so alone... Although I am old enough that this shouldn't really have such a negative effect on me, in that moment I really wanted to die.  It seems like when I fall I fall hard and fast, and I hit the bottom hard... It hurts so bad and every time, and I feel it takes a little piece of me away. 

I also had a hard time with a therapy session I had last week... My therapist was talking about how in a few months maybe I should join one of the groups they have, and if that is the case then maybe I would be able to see them every other week instead of every week, (to help save money.)  Although I would definitely like to try and group and I understand what she was saying, I also completely freaked out, (after the fact of course.)  I interpreted it like they have pretty much done everything they can for me and I'm either a lost cause or I'm supposed to be all better now.  I also started thinking that perhaps they don't like me and they don't want to work with me anymore and want to get rid of me... I had so many thoughts hit me so fast, and the thoughts are actually still swirling around there taunting me in my weak moments.  I still feel like such a mess, and I started thinking that this is it for me... This is as good as it gets. Of course I immediately thought that if this is it  I might as well throw the towel in now.  What is the point of it all?  What exactly am I searching for?  I just don't know... It all seems rather hopeless sometimes...

On a positive note I accepted the head coach position at a new club... I am guardedly optimistic I guess you could say.  I want to be excited, but I also have doubts, and I have lots of fears that things will turn out badly like they did before.  It has all been such a traumatizing experience, and I have certainly lost trust in people.  Of course I will try my best and hope for positive results... Perhaps this is all meant to be and it will be a turning point in my life, but what if I'm just setting myself up for more of the same? It's really hard to know what to think and what to believe... I wish I could just be excited and believe in my future!

So yah, that's the way my story reads at the moment.  Blah, blah, blah... More of the same old shit.  Oh and I don't want to eat dinner, because I'm fat and sad and that will certainly fix everything right?!!  

Mother's Day

I was having a pretty good day until I got really sad tonight... I'm not exactly sure what happened, but I think I was having thoughts about the possibility that I might never be a Mom, and I was also thinking about Anna...  I just had a flood of intense feelings so I cried for quite a while.  I realized that when I feel things so deeply I have trouble knowing what to do with it... Instead of just accepting the feelings I want to do something, or not do something, (as in self harm or not eating.) The feelings seem like they will never end, and in that moment I simply want to die.  It hurts so much, like there is a hole in my heart that will never be filled.  :-(

Otherwise I guess things are going ok.  Yesterday I coached for 2 different teams, (which was tiring but also fun,) and I think I'm getting closer to making a decision for next season.  It's hard to know for sure what the right move is, but I'm feeling a little more confident about things.  Of course there is still also that looming threat from my old team, but I'm hoping that it will all just fizzle and die soon. It does definitely create anxiety though knowing that things have not been resolved, or that they may never be resolved. 

So now even though I am feeling pretty down and sad tonight, I am going to try my hardest to have a positive outlook for the week.  Although it will most likely be pretty slow, I am hoping to be able to find some joy in each day, and remember the positives in my life.  I shall try anyway!

Too much time...

Today I have really had way too much free time on my hands... I've been trying to keep myself as busy as possible with various things, (making jewelry, cleaning out drawers, working out, etc.) but tonight I find myself feeling down and in the dumps.  Sometimes I just really start missing people, and at times I miss CFC so much that my heart hurts.  I think I'm missing it extra right now because of the news that I got about Anna's baby... I am so worried about her, and I want so much to be able to connect with her and tell her how much I care.  It's so hard to not be able to... I feel so helpless, and I'm so so very sad.  Sometimes it feels like my body has an infinite amount of sadness in there, and it's just flowing through my veins.  I feel like I could cry for days, hours, weeks, or years.  I feel like I'm breaking into tiny little pieces... I don't know how I'm ever going to be able to feel whole or happy.  I worry that it might just not be possible for me.  I don't think I have what it takes, and it's not fair that someone like me who often wants to die, is healthy and alive, while others are fighting for their lives and dying. It's just really not fair... :-(  Hopefully tomorrow things will look a little bit brighter and I will find some hope and strength within myself again.   

Heartbreaking news

I hadn't heard from my therapist from CFC for a while so I got worried and called... They said that she was still on maternity leave, which I found was odd, so I sent an e-mail to one of the clinical directors.  She sent me an e-mail today saying that her son had passed away a couple of weeks ago from SIDS... Oh my gosh... Such devestating news.  I of course immediately felt deep sorrow, and I felt completely helpless as I had no way to get in touch with her.  Luckily I had therapy today, (and pretty soon after I got the message,) so I was able to get some of my emotions out in a healthy way.  If I had not had therapy I'm not sure that I could have been able to refrain from restricting or self harm.  I had so many feelings all boiling over, and I felt like I was going to explode.  Even tonight I am struggling, especially because I have absolutely no way to help her and I care so much... It's really a terrible feeling. :-(

Since my last post things had been going a little bit better, (well until today.) I am still cycling in and out of depression, but there has been some bright moments.  Thankfully I was offered a job from a team in Scottsdale, and I have been talking to another local team as well.  There is still one other possibility here in AZ, but I have no idea if that will pan out at all... It may be a fat chance, but nonetheless I'm keeping the option open still.  Otherwise I applied for some Administrative type positions, and hoping I might be able to find something workable in the near future.  If I can find something there, I think it would help me to determine if I want to have synchro be my main focus with a part time job on the side, or if I want to have a full time job with synchro on the side.  Both scenarios have their advantages and disadvantages, so hopefully things might become a little more clear sometime in the near future!

Oh I have been making some jewelry... I don't really know what I'm doing, but I have made some things that I like and will wear.  Maybe at some point I can think about selling some.  If I don't sell them I will definitely use them for gifts and to keep myself in fun updated jewelry! :-)

Sad and alone.

Tonight I am feeling really sad and my heart just plain hurts... I feel so alone and confused and sometimes I just don't know if I can continue on.  I want so much to be able to make a meaningful life for myself, but I just feel like I'm not getting anywhere.  Sure I am healthier physically now, but I still feel like I did before only now I'm 30 pounds heavier.  So much has happened and yet so little has really changed. I keep trying to crawl my way out of the darkness, yet in the end I always seem to end up back where I started.  Will I ever be able to live a life that will make me happy?  Will I ever be able to be the person I dream of being?  Right now it just feels impossible and that makes me feel truly hopeless... Sometimes I wish that my earlier attempts to starve myself to death had been successful.  I know that's terrible to say, but I just don't know how much longer I can keep fighting.  What am I here for? It all feels pointless... :-(  Trying to hold on.

Home

I am home now from Michigan.  I think it was a fairly good trip overall, but I am really glad to be back.  I struggled a little bit with sadness and anxiety, but I feel good that I was able to spend some quality time with my dad, grandma and brother.  Hopefully it won't be so long before I am able to go back and see them again!

Tonight I am feeling very tired but also frustrated.  My stepdad and Mom are barely speaking still, my t.v. isn't working, (which is especially annoying since I just got back from a week of very little technology,) and as usual I don't feel good and I'm extremely tired.  I get so sick of not feeling well, and I guess it could be that I didn't eat enough... I'm not really sure.  I just want to feel good again. 

Okay enough complaining... I am off to bed! 

Michigan

Tomorrow morning very early I leave for MI.  I am looking forward to going yet I'm a little nervous as well.  I never quite know how it's going to be with my brother, and it seems I usually end up somewhat disappointed about the time I spend with my dad. I'm hoping that it can be a good trip though, and I can have some fun and enjoy my family. I also hope that I will be able to eat ok... It could be very easy for me to resort to old habits, especially because food is definitely not a priority with my dad.  Hopefully though I will be able to remain strong and fight urges from Olga!

Otherwise just a lot of loose ends still... Luckily I heard back from Scottsdale and they are definitely interested in me coming on board there, so I am happy about that.  There are also some other possibilities floating around still, so hopefully something will work out, and I'll know what's coming next for me soon.  It's been pretty hard to have so many unknowns, as it's made me feel a little lost and confused.  There were also some days in there that I felt pretty darn hopeless as well, but luckily that hasn't been constant, as there have been some moments of hope.

Because it is so hot out now, I am not able to run outside.  I wasn't sure what to do, but then I found out that there is a rec center in Apache Junction that is cheap and pretty close by.  I have been there 3x now, and I am happy to have a place to go.  Two times I ran, and one time I did yoga, (me and all the old people haha.)  I think Brina is worried I will over do it, but I will try to keep it in moderation and follow her guidelines.  :-)
  

Difficult days...

Today has been a pretty hard day... I woke up feeling pretty down, and then got a phone call telling me that I needed to be careful because people are trying to get me in trouble.  It just doesn't feel like it's ever going to end, and I feel like I'm being held hostage.  I just don't know how much longer I can deal with this... I think I'm finally completely broken.  :-(

Also, Mom and I got into a fight, and then later her and my step dad got into a really big fight.  I got scared and upset so I left for a little while, and the first time I came home I left again because things were very volatile.  The second time I came back my Mom was gone... I asked my step dad where she was and he said she "went for a ride."  I tried to call her and heard her cell phone ring, (as she never takes her phone with her like ever.)  Obviously I was pretty worried, and was relieved when she finally came home.  She is saying now that she is absolutely done with her marriage, (she has said this a lot,) so I am worried about what will happen next.  Life is just an absolute roller coaster... and not the fun kind, more like the kind at Cedar Point that are old and rough and practically give you a concussion every time you step on.

Personally I am feeling pretty lost and hopeless... I don't know what I want to do, or where I want to be.  I wish I could just go to sleep forever...

and again!

Tonight I find myself pretty exhausted again... I was at the pool a lot watching the competition every day since Wednesday, doing random privates at random places, and I also dog sat for one night.  Overall I guess I had a nice time watching, but it was also very hard at the same time.  It was great to see so many of my friends, (and not when I was stressed,) but I also feel pretty alone and left out.  I feel like I don't belong anywhere, and I feel lost and sad. Tonight is particularly hard... Maybe I am just tired, and it doesn't help that I don't feel good.  I'm not sure if I'm perhaps dehydrated, or perhaps just going for so many days was too much for me.  I feel like I break down pretty fast... Like my body just can't take a whole lot before it crashes unfortunately. :-(  Hopefully tomorrow I can rest a little and will recover. 

I was hoping that this week would give me a little bit of clarity for what I want to do next, but I feel just as confused as before... There is part of me who wants to go to a big club and be a part of a large coaching "team."  There is part of me who wants to start completely over and bring another team up from scratch, and there is a part of me who just wants to walk away completely.  I think I still have passion for the sport, but not sure I have the mental strength and stability to be able to handle everything that comes with, (i.e. the competition and parent drama.)  I wish I knew what I wanted to do next... I wish I had a vision for the future, but I have nothing.  When I feel this way it's hard not to want to crawl into a hole and hide away.  Tonight I want to do just that.    

Catching my breath...

So life lately has been pretty crazy.  On Monday Mom and I got up at 5:00 and went to paint again... I was so tired haha.  We had a huge fiasco trying to get more paint, and ended up going back to Home Depot 3x before getting it right.  It was pretty frustrating as it put us behind about 2 hours overall, plus we wasted a lot of energy.  Then I went to the pool as normal on Monday and everything was fine. On Tuesday I again got up and 5:00, went and painted, and then  had an appointment with Betsy. I was very weepy during the appointment...  I cried on and off the whole time, and just felt so sad and super tired.  I hung in there though and was back at the pool to do some privates on Tuesday evening.  Then on Wednesday Mom and I got up yet again at 5:00 and headed back to Avondale for what we hoped would be the last time. Luckily we were able to finish... whew, that was rough!  Then we came home, I took a shower and got all cleaned up to go do some more privates.  I was almost to the pool when I got a forward from my attorney that the team had decided to end our contractual relationship, and sever ties completely.  I was really caught off guard, and really lost it.  I had to turn around and go home, and I was basically beside my with sadness and frustration.  I had to call the people that I had the privates with to tell them that I couldn't do them, and I said I was fired, (because that's how I understood it.)  I came home and cried... A LOT.  I felt that my life was over and I really wanted to die.  It was obviously very rough and super dark day for me. 

After texting or calling some people that I was "fired" I got a call from my attorney telling me that I couldn't say that as it wasn't technically correct.  Evidently me telling people that caused a "firestorm," as parents were mad and swimmers were upset.  After that I zipped my lips and will stay quiet about it from here on out, (which of course will be very hard.)  Anyway, I have no idea what will happen with all of that now, but I just hope we can get the severance agreement worked out, so I can be completely free from it all.  I am just ready to move on, and to move forward with my life!

For a little while I have been brainstorming possible options for me... Things I might be able to do with my life.  For a while I thought I might want to be completely done with synchro, but all of this has ironically refueled my desire, and I think I'm ready to jump back in the game.  If I do though it will be completely on my terms, and I will never get myself into a position like I was in again.  I will be meeting with a person from another local team this morning, and hopefully with another team sometime this week.  I feel optimistic that I can work something out that will be a good fit for me.  I hope anyway!

Otherwise I have a little bit of time to rest and recharge my battery right now.  I was going, going, going hard and strong for a good week there, and I am still feeling pretty tired from it haha.  This week coming up is US Nationals at Kino, so I am very excited about that.  It will be hard to be there and not be a part of the team, but it will be nice to be there just to watch and to visit with my friends.  Of course it will be a great time to network and get ideas for further options.  I am really looking forward to it!! :-)

Lost

Today has been a bit of a rough day.  I started off by getting up at 5:00 am again to go paint in Avondale, (by myself.)  I was really tired but trying hard to push through so we can get the job finished soon.  While I was there I got an e-mail from someone from the city saying that they have been notified that I am "no longer associated" with the team, so I need to return the keys.  I knew the team wanted to keys back, but saying that I'm no longer associated was something entirely different.  It just seems like I get slapped in the face continuously these days, and now I'm not sure if it means that they have fired me, or if it's just them lying trying to get the city to demand my keys back.  I have contacted a few people from the team about it, but have heard nothing... I don't know what to do.  I don't want to be associated with the team anymore, (as it's definitely toxic,) but it's helping me earn a living right now, plus a lot of girls are depending on me.  It's all a little overwhelming, and today I am really not able to handle it too well... I've been crying a lot, I don't feel good, and I simply feel sad and very lost. :-(

Tomorrow morning Mom and I are getting up again at 5:00 to go back to hopefully finish the paint job.  I don't mind the painting... It's just a bit stressful trying to get it finished fast.  It's just a really big house that is in pretty bad shape.  I pray we can finish so I can rest a little and catch my breath.

Anyway, I guess I'll try to get to sleep a bit earlier tonight.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!

Crazy busy... Gah!

I have had to be an high speed the last 4 days or so... The week was pretty busy with appointments and coaching, and then on Friday my Mom and I started painting this house, (the inside.)  We got up at like 5:00 am on Friday and went and painted for like 6 hours or so.  Then I went right to the pool and coached for 4 hours.  Then on Saturday I went and coached for 4 hours, drove to Tucson, and then coached another 5 hours.  This morning I got up and coached for 4 hours, drove to Avondale and painted for like 4.  Tomorrow morning Mom and I are getting up at 5:00 again to... you guessed it, go paint!  Haha... The house is really big, and it's way more then I should have bitten off.  The ceilings are almost all vaulted, and there are lots of walls with really dark walls to cover.  I pray that somehow some way we can finish the house tomorrow... My Mom is not so optimistic haha. 

Coaching in Tucson went fairly well I guess.  I felt a little awkward, and I wasn't sure I was being very helpful...  They said it was great though and they would love me to come down again sometime if I can, so that made me feel better.  It's nice to feel appreciated for what you do!

I got an e-mail last night from the team saying that besides tomorrow, (Monday,) they don't need my help at all for 2 weeks.  Although I'm not really surprised, I am a little upset because it's like yet another slap in the face.  Next week is US Nationals, (at the pool that the team trains at,) and they are not even using me to help coach at all.  I have been the one coaching pretty much all the figures, and yet they are not even bringing me in for that part of the competition.  Instead they are bringing in someone from out of state who hasn't been coaching the girls at all.  It just doesn't make sense... I don't get what they are doing... It's completely baffling, and definitely very hurtful.  I guess I will just come and watch the meet as a spectator, and visit with my all my synchro friends from out of state, (which I am looking forward to.)  I will also use the opportunity to network... I just want to feel out if there are any possibilities anywhere.  I don't think I want to move, but for now I am keeping my options open until I figure out what I want to do next.  Hopefully it won't take me forever to figure that out though!

Anyway I am exhausted and think I will sleep really well tonight.  I sure wish I didn't have to get up at 5:00 to go paint haha... Gah, I sure get myself into predicaments! 

Overwhelmed

Today I met with an attorney about my contract for the team... They are trying to say that I can't coach anywhere in Arizona until February 10, 2013.  Of course this really binds me as it doesn't give me any real options in the state to practice my profession... It makes me feel "owned" or like a hostage, and that is a really bad feeling.  Anyway, the attorney is going to contact the team, as he feels that the contract will not hold up.  It's all just so overwhelming, and I can't believe that it's actually come to this... I am angry, frustrated, confused and sad.  I don't feel like I know who I can trust, and of course I feel absolutely betrayed.  I am also scared and nervous as I don't know what is going to happen next... I have no idea how the team will react.  Will they kick me out completely?  Will they try to enforce the contract and take me to court?  Will they back down and let me ride the season out doing what I'm doing?  It's already so uncomfortable for me to be there, and this is definitely going to make matters worse.  I also worry that those that still may care for me or respect me might change their minds now and turn against me... This is all just so foreign to me, and I wish it would just all go away... Ay ay ay!! 

On a positive note I am super happy that I don't have to work at Starbucks anymore haha.  I went in tonight to pick up my tips, and I was so so so grateful that I didn't have to stay there. The shift supervisor that was always really condescending was on duty, and I really couldn't wait to get out of there!  Now hopefully I can figure out what's next, so I won't flounder forever!   

Sad

Tonight I am feeling pretty sad and I'm not quite sure why... I thought I would feel super excited after finishing at Starbucks, but instead I feel down in the dumps.  Don't get me wrong, I am sooooo relieved to be done there... It was very hard for me to complete the week, and today was especially hard being a full 8 hour shift.  Perhaps I'm just really tired... Perhaps I'm feeling a little bit stupid for having quit yet another job... Perhaps I feel like a failure... Perhaps I let the condescending shift supervisor get under my skin a little too much... Perhaps I feel a little lost and lonely... Perhaps I'm feeling completely frustrated and disgusted by my body... Or maybe it's all of the above... I really just don't know exactly. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day... Hopefully I will find some hope to latch on to, and something to smile about.  As for tonight I think I'm going to call it a night before I do something that I will regret.

New Chapter

Today I coached for 4 hours, (and got a pretty bad farmers tan/burn,) and then went to Starbucks for 3.5 hours, (which of course seemed like 6 or so.)  Tomorrow is supposed to be my last day there, but I feel like I might want to call in sick... If it wasn't an 8 hour shift I would probably just suck it up and do it, but 8 hours is a really long time, and I just don't want to be there.  I'm still having lots of anxiety, (even knowing I will be done,) and some of the shift supervisors are a little bitchy and condescending.  You would think they would be extra nice since I'm doing them a favor, but yah not so much...I have never really lied like that before, but I guess there's a first time for everything.  Or maybe I'll actually wake up sick, (because I'm not feeling so good right now,) and then I won't have to feel as guilty... Not that I want to be sick haha.

So I have been thinking more and more about having my own business... I don't know if it's possible at all, but the idea excites me, and gives me a little bit of hope for the future.  I'm thinking that I would use it to coach, teach swim lessons, and possibly do some personal training at some point, (if I get myself certified.)  Of course I am also seriously thinking about having my own team... I would own it and run it... Not a parent board.  Anyway, just some ideas I guess.  I really have no idea how possible any of it is though, but I hopefully I am not too out there!   



  

Longest day ever!!

Today I worked an 8 hour shift at Starbucks... It wasn't as crazy as I expected it to be, but I was busy pretty much non stop.  You would think that would help make the time go by faster, but in reality it felt like 16 hours to me!  I kept looking at my watch and feeling disappointed when only like 5 minutes had passed haha.  Tonight I also had 3 privates, so it was a very long and tiring day... I am absolutely exhausted, and I will definitely sleep really well tonight!

My Mom got home from Michigan today... It was nice to have a little break from her, (haha sorry mom,) but I am glad she is back safe and sound.  I always worry when my brother is around unfortunately... He is completely volatile, and can definitely be abusive both mentally and physically.  Although I love him, I am also very scared of him, and I know my Mom is too.  I thought he had turned a corner and stopped drinking, but at some point he started again as my Mom said he was drunk every night.  No doubt he is probably also stealing my grandma's meds as well... :-( 

On a positive note, I have been contacted by a lady from Chile, and she is wondering if I might want to go to Chile for 10 days to month to coach.  I am very excited about this possibility, and hope that it can work out.  I would love to go to South America!!  I'm hoping a trip to Michigan might also be in the works... It's great to feel excited and have some things to look forward to!

Moving on

After talking with my Mom today, I decided that the best thing for me to do is to quit Starbucks... It's just not a good fit for me, and the money is definitely not worth the anxiety.  I'm a little embarrassed of course, but I don't want to waste anymore of my time or energy on something that has a negative effect on me.  I just hope people aren't completely disappointed in me... Unfortunately I seem to be struggling quite publicly.

Anyway, I feel relieved and like I can breathe again.  I think before I really search for another job, I want to take a trip to Michigan to see my family there.  It's been a couple of years now, so I really want to go.  A team in Michigan is also interested in having me do a figure clinic, so that will be nice. :-) I'm hoping this is all happening for a reason, and there is something really great out there waiting for me!

Idk...

Tonight at Starbucks started off pretty rough... This family came in with a really big order and I messed a lot of it up.  It's just so stressful, and I'm not sure I can make it through the hard part in order to get to a place where I feel comfortable.  I have been so nervous and so anxious, and I'm not sure it's good for me... I think I want to quit. I just don't think I can do it. :-/  My anxiety is getting the best of me. 

Plugging along

The last couple of days at Starbucks have been ok... Yesterday was a pretty good day overall, and although today had a few rough patches, (where I was really questioning myself and felt like quiting,) at least things ended on a positive note.  I work one more day this week, (tomorrow from 4:00-8:00,) and then I have Sunday off.  I have also been to the pool coaching every single day this week, so I am really looking forward to Sunday!  It's been hard going from Starbucks to the pool... Lots of time in transit and the car, and very little time for myself or for fun.  I'm not sure how long I can keep up this pace... I hope I can get used to it!!

Otherwise I guess I am doing ok... I have good days, and I have bad days, but I haven't fallen too hard.  Sometimes I really want to give in to Olga though, (especially right now when things are a little difficult for me.)  I feel like I am always in a position to simply exist... I mean like I have been existing just to work, and working just to exist.  It's a cycle that leaves me wondering what the point of it all is... It's in these challenging times that I think Olga can give me a purpose... She can make me forget the sadness and fear, and she can make me feel worthy as a person.  It's all so very tempting, but I am trying with everything I have to hold on to the hope that recovery is worth it.  I am trying to trust, and I am trying to believe that there is a future for me that can be better then the past.  I hope it's not all for nothing... I hope it's not all is twisted joke.

Yikes...

My anxiety is through the rough... I can't calm down... I don't know if I can do this!!!  Today was my first day, (out of training,) at Starbucks, and although I did okay overall, I'm not sure I will be able to handle it.  There are so many things to remember... So much going on all at once, and it's really overwhelming.  I know that all new jobs are like that until you get the hang of it, but it worries me that a lot of people are saying they didn't feel comfortable until after 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, etc.  How can you continue doing something for so long when you feel so anxious and uncomfortable?  I just don't know... I don't want to give up, but I do at the same time.  Things have been so hard for me the last couple of years, and I just don't want to get myself in a situation that is going to cause me a lot of distress.  Is it too much to ask for a life that doesn't make me feel sick?  It worries me that perhaps I will have trouble dealing with anything... I guess I feel a little fragile, and tonight I feel like I'm going to break all apart.  This anxiety is really killing me! :-/

Tomorrow I work basically the same hours, but I also have an interview at Walgreens, (which all in all makes the day pretty darn long again.)  I don't really know why I agreed to do the interview, but I guess it's good to keep my options open, and see what they might have to offer me. I really don't know what I really should be doing right now, or where I should be working... Ahhhh!!!  Hopefully tomorrow I will feel less anxious and fell better about it all.  Otherwise I may need to go hide somewhere!

Pretty good days!

The last couple of days have been pretty good.  Yesterday I had most of the day free so I decided to my "food handlers" certification, (it's online.)  Then I was off to see Brina, (and I always enjoy seeing her,) back home for a bit and then off to coach for a couple of hours.  Overall it was a pretty chill day, and I was feeling pretty happy and content overall. :-)

Today I woke up fairly early, went running, (which went a little better today although I still died haha,) went to go get my "food handlers" card and then had 4 hours of privates.  I've also spent some time studying my Starbucks... I am nervous, but hopefully have prepared myself enough to not make a complete ass out of myself.  I really want this job to go well, so I can feel comfortable, and maybe even find some enjoyment out of it.  I'm crossing my fingers anyway... Yikes!  Luckily it's only a 4.5 hour shift tomorrow.  Next week I will be working a lot more though, (32 hours.) 

Tonight, (along with being a bit nervous,) I am having a pretty bad headache, (and I had one last night as well.)  I'm not sure what the deal is because I haven't had them in a while, but they're pretty intense so I hope this doesn't become a pattern.  Trying to think positive, and hopefully this Excedrine kicks in soon!

Good day/ Angry night!

So tonight I am feeling pretty mad... The club presented me with 2 contracts the other day to sign and both are ultimately trying to control me and take away any power or opportunities I may have, (and I will not sign them, and have been advised not to.)  Now that I have finally taken control of my life back, I will no longer be suffocated by the team.  It is my life to live, and I resent anyone trying to interfere with that... Just let me move on and live my life already... I'm banking on karma here!!

Otherwise the day was pretty good. I started off by spending a few hours at Starbuckys and wrote down like almost every drink and how it's made haha.  I think once I get that all settled in my brain I will feel much better, and hopefully not make an ass out of myself on Wednesday!  After that I ran some errands and then came back and ran a bit.  I was a little disappointed in how I felt running, (and that I couldn't run as far as I wanted to,) but I guess it's better then nothing right?  Hopefully it will get easier for me eventually... After all running is in my genes! 

After my run I came back and washed, vacummed and detailed my car, cleaned my bathroom, dusted my room, and then wrote some letters.  I still have a lot more that I want to write, (I guess I've been feeling pretty sentimental lately.)  Overall though it was a very productive and satisfying day, (minus the anger haha.) 

I look... Meh.

So I am having a rough day body image wise.  I am generally always a little frustrated with my body, but today I am feeling particularly gross.  I really feel that I look pregnant, and I'm not sure how I can get past that, or if I want to... Why would I want to look pregnant when I'm not?  Anyway, Olga, (Ed,) is saying you must lose **pounds immediately or you are absolutely disgusting.  Unfortunately I agree... :-( Of course I will try to continue to fight for recovery, but it may be a very bumpy road ahead!

On Thursday things went ok at Starbucks, but I learned so much that I felt like I forgot everything.  At the end of the night I was getting all the numbers, (expresso shots and syrup pumps,) all mixed up, and was also getting the order of building the drinks a bit mixed up.  It was like a reached a certain point, and everything just got really scrambled.  I was feeling very worried that maybe I wouldn't be able to handle the job, but today I'm feeling a bit more optimistic that perhaps I can make it work.  I have decided that I will go in perhaps tomorrow, (and maybe Monday or Tuesday as well,) to look through the drink manual and perhaps write some things down for myself to study.  I know it might seem a bit silly, but I am of course a perfectionist, and I want to do a good job.  I also don't want to make an ass out of myself haha.  Hopefully I'll be able to pull it together and make it work.  Who would of known that working at Starbucks would be so complicated! 

Today I went to the water show for the team... I really didn't want to go, but Jaime was going so I agreed to go with her.  Unforutnately it was really awkward, as I didn't really feel that welcomed. It's weird to feel like such an outsider somewhere that used to be my domain, and I almost left a couple of times... That being said though I am still glad I am no longer head coach of the club, (or that involved for that matter,) and I was especially glad I wasn't head coach for this particular show... It was not very good! 

Tonight I am just going to be hanging home with my pooches... Mom is gone to Michigan, and Rich has gone to some car races, so it will be nice to just kind of hang out and have a little "me" time. :-)  

Very tired

Today was my 2nd day at Starbucks.  Yesterday was basically just paper work and going over manuals, and today was a little more hands on.  I learned how to do the coffee, the lattes, the cappiccinos and the tea. Tomorrow I don't go in, but Thursday will be an 8 hour day, and I'll learn the rest of the stuff. It's all a bit overwhelming, but hopefully I'll be able to figure it all out eventually!!

Moving day went fairly well... Everything was already packed and ready to go, so it all went pretty fast.  We also had the help of some very nice neighbors, so I was very appreciative about that.  I was worried about being sad, but I think enough time has passed that I am no longer that attached, (as I haven't been there for 6 months now really.)  I think that if I had been staying there it would have been a lot harder.  Later on in the day I also went back to clean up... I wanted to make sure everything looked good haha.  I had to cut myself off, (especially with the carpet cleaner,) as I could have continued to go on for hours.  I can feel good about the state that I left it though, and that makes me feel better. :-)

Olga has been a little loud the last couple of days, and it's been a challenge as I've been so busy.  I will have to plan things out a little better from here on out, as Olga uses every possible opportunity to her advantage.  I also will not able to see Betsy this week, (because of scheduling conflicts,) and unfortunately I won't be able to see her next week either, (because she'll be gone for spring break.)  Luckily I will still see Brina tomorrow, and hopefully will be able to see her 2x next week.  I think it could be very easy for me to get off track right now, as "plans" and challenges are always in the works. 

Since I've been only coaching part time my depression and self esteem has definitely been better.  I don't think I realized how toxic synchro was for me until I removed myself from it.  Although I am still coaching a little, it's much different and it is not stressful at all.  I get a little bored sometimes, but overall I think it's a good fit for me now, (plus I'm getting a lot of privates.)  I'm glad it's all working out so far for me. :-)   

Moving Day

Tomorrow we have to get up early and go and move all the stuff from my condo to storage, (as the short sale seems to be almost complete.) I am not sure how I'm going to feel about it... On one hand I feel sad as Rosita, (what I named my condo,) was my first place and I of course am attached.  That being said though I think it may also be a bit of a relief, as it became a huge burden for me, and was a place where my eating disorder raged out of control.  Since I have been back from CFC I have not been able to stay there even one night, (although I tried twice,) so it's probably better that I move on from that period in my life.  Hopefully tomorrow I won't be too sad... We'll see I guess! 

Today Mom and I went shopping for quite a while together and managed to not kill each other, (as there were some moments haha.)  We first went grocery shopping, and then we went in search of some khaki pants for me, (as I need them for Starbucks and I had none.)  Tonight I felt the need to connect with some friends, so I spent some time writing letters in which I will mail on Monday.  All in all it was a pretty good, even though I had some sad moments for not being at zones this weekend. It's hard because I am happy I'm not there, but at the same time really sad... It's all rather confusing, and I hope with a little more time it will get easier. 

Monday I start at Starbucks.  I am feeling a little anxious to get started, and just really hope that it all goes okay... I know I shouldn't be stressed, but I always want to do a good job, and this is something completely new for me.  Hopefully it will all work out okay, and I will do well and enjoy it. I just need a little bit of distraction right now, and a little bit of time and perspective to be able to figure out what I might want to do next with my life.  I'm also of course hoping for a little bit of fun, and perhaps to meet some new friends as well. I'm ready to live life now, (instead of just exist,) so I'm hoping this might be the fresh new start I need. :-)  

Olga

After a little rough patch, I had a couple of good days.  I was tired of feeling sick, and wanted to try and get back on track.  It took a day or so, but finally I felt better and felt relatively strong again.  Last night though Olga was starting to make her presence known... Although I ate dinner, she was "yapping" in my ear telling me what a "fat ass" I am.  This morning I woke up and had breakfast, but after having a run, (my legs still are tight and feel like lead but I was able to run farther than last time,) I simply felt weak and Olga took control.  It wasn't that I didn't eat anything... I still ate, but I know it was not enough.  Unfortunately though Olga enjoyed it a lot, and is fighting now to regain complete.  Tonight I ate a descent dinner though, so hopefully tomorrow I will be able to turn things around, (and I see Brina.) 

Otherwise the week has been going fairly well.  My mood overall has been a lot better, and I am feeling a little bit of hope for the future.  It also looks like I'll be starting at Starbucks on Monday... I'm excited, but also kind of nervous.  I just hope things go alright, and I hope I'm able to be successful.  I know it's not a super important or high level job, but I still want to be good at it.  I'm also hoping it might be fun as well. :-) 

Relapse?

Well I think I have to admit to myself that I have relapsed a bit... I have not been doing what I should bd doing, and have been seduced by the power of Ed, (or in my case Olga,) a lot lately.  Earlier in the week I went for a walk with my Mom... The walk takes about an hour or so, and is somewhat challenging... Lots of hills and bumpy trails.  Then later in the day I had a burst of energy and decided to also go running.  I did my usual run as of lately, I run about 3 miles and then walk like 1.  I felt pretty good, (well as good as I ever really feel running,) but later in the day I started to feel really sick.  It felt flu like... I was super achey, nauseous and extremely tired.  The next day I still felt a bit sick, but started to feel a little better later in the day.  I thought perhaps I had the flu, but in retrospect, I may have over done it, and probably hadn't eaten enough to support my activity... Then yesterday I coached for 4 hours, then decided to come home and immediately try to go running.  I felt ok at first, but after about 10 minutes I started to feel pretty sick.  I was getting really bad cramps in my stomach and back, I got super nauseous, and my legs were also cramping and felt like lead.  I tried to keep pushing myself, but after 15 minutes I had to stop and walk the rest of the way home.  I was pretty frustrated and disappointed in myself, and I couldn't quite understand why it happened.  I mean aren't things supposed to get easier and better the more you do them?  I've been running quite often, and it seems that lately it's been a lot harder... It dawned on me that I hadn't drank any water or anything other then diet soda for days, and I thought perhaps I was dehydrated.  Once I realized that I tried to drink water but was having a hard time.  I texted Brina and she wanted me to drink some gatorade, (which I did.)  I tried to get back on track eating better, and I tried to drink as much water and gatorade as I could.  I was so so tired, and I ended up falling asleep before 10:00, (which is extremely rare for me.)  I slept last night for 11 hours straight and when I woke up still felt like crap.  I got up and ran a few errands, and came back and went back to bed, (which is also very rare for me.)  Since then I've been trying to stay more active and have been trying to will myself to feel better.  Unfortunately tonight I still feel pretty lousy, and all I can think about is sleeping.  I started to worry that perhaps my issues with Gluten and eggs may be returning, so I text Brina, "Do you think it could be the Gluten thing?"  She responded with "No - it's the ed thing."  I guess I had known that I was probably making myself sick, but was also in denial about it.  I'm hoping that tomorrow I will wake up and feel better, and hopefully get back on the track to recovery.  Unfortunately "Olga" is always there enticing me to engage in behaviors... "Wouldn't it be fun to see how long you can go without eating?"  "Wouldn't it be nice to see your ribs and hip bones clearly?"  "You absolutely have to get rid of that God awful stomach... It's absolutely disgusting."  "You have to tone up..."  On and on it goes... I hope those thoughts will eventually subside, and hopefully I will be able to snap myself out of this relapse soon!! 

Super long day!

So today felt like it was about a week long... I first had an interview at Target at 10:00.  I had to get there a little early to take a "questionaire," which was basically a math quiz.  Then I am ready for the interview and they determine I'm at the wrong Target.  So frantically I head down Power road to another Target.  They ask me to take the quiz again, (which I'm not so thrilled about because it was not fun haha,) and then I interviewed with 2 different people.  I think it ended up going well, but won't be devastated if I don't get the job... It's not that many hours, and it doesn't pay that well.  The 2nd Interviewer said that I could be cross trained though and could move up the ladder fast since I have a degree. That made things a little bit more interesting anyway.

After I down a Diet Mountain Dew, (my reward,) and go back to my Mom and step dads house to pace for a while.  I wasn't quite sure what to do with myself since I had another interview at 2:30.  I was super anxious, and there was no way I could just chill.  I know it was silly to be so nervous, but it had been a long time since I had had interviews, and I had no idea what to expect at Starbucks.  So finally it was time to go, and I nervously head out... I get there and they offer me a free drink, so I ordered myself my favorite, (which is a Carmel Frap, ) and wait for Silas to come meet with me.  I sat there for about 10 minutes or so, and then the interview began.  After about 8 minutes it was over, and I was free to go.  It was super easy, and very painless... I don't know what that means though... It could mean that he liked me and didn't need to know anymore, or it could be mean the opposite.  Part of me hopes it works out, but part of me would like to wait a little longer before I find something.  Of course I need to be a bit busier, and I need money, but I have also been enjoying having a some more time to myself.  I guess we'll see what happens!

Okay so back to my day haha... I went from Starbucks straight to the pool and worked on suits for a little while, (before I had 3 privates.)  It was a little hard to focus after everything, but I did my best.  Now I am just exhausted, and certainly not looking forward to getting up at 6 tomorrow to go coach figures for 4 hours... It does make me realize that I am "over" synchro though, and that I made the right decision to get out for so many reasons.  I am so so glad that I don't have to worry about West Zones next week, and I get to stay home with my doggies. :-) 

Okay...

So today I'm feeling much better than yesterday.  I was really anxious to go to the pool, but it ended up going better than I expected.  It was a little awkward at first, but the girls were all pretty friendly, and once I started I was fine.  It's a little hard to see my old routines being changed so much, but I knew she would so at least I was ready for that.  She is biting off a whole lot though, and I think it might be way more than she can chew...  I guess we shall see!

I guess things have been like a roller coaster lately, and I sure hope things can smooth out soon.  On Friday I have 2 interviews... It's been a while since I've had an interview, so I know I will be pretty nervous.  My 1st one is for Target, and my 2nd one is for Starbucks.  Neither is my dream job of course, (and I'm not even sure what that is really,) but I hope that one of them will work out just so I can stay a little busier, (and of course make some money.)  Regardless though I will keep plugging a long until I find something that works for me. 

Right now I am watching "My 600 Pound Life..."  I probably shouldn't watch it, but I can't help myself.  I know logically that I don't have to worry about that, but sometimes when other people need to worry about things I think I do as well.  I guess I get confused what's real and what's not sometimes... Oh man, it's absolutely terrifying!!!!

When?

So I think I made another mistake agreeing to go back and coach for the team at all.  I was there for a private today, and it was just so very hard, and ended up making me feel really bad about myself... I'm really not sure how I'm going to be able to handle the next 2 days... I should not have come back to the team after returning from CFC, and I should not have agreed to go back to do this... I keep opening myself up for heartache over and over.  When will I feel ok again?  When will I be okay in my own skin?  I am so scared that there is nothing more for me... I just don't know how much longer I can handle feeling like this... :-( 

Solution

So after all of the tears and heartache the last week or so, I have agreed to stay with the team under a completely new title of "figure specialist."  This was my idea, and I think it's something that I can feel good about.  I can still be involved with the team, but way less hours, and way less stress.  I will also be able to do privates still with the club, and will actually be set up to have the ability to do more privates then ever before.  I am hopeful that this can work out... I feel good at least that it was under my terms.

Otherwise the day was a little hard as I continually thought about the girls and the competition.  I tried to do things to distract me; however, I was not very successful.  I tried to run but just wasn't feeling it today so stopped after about 1.5 miles... Then I was looking for a copy of my resume and got super frustrated because I couldn't find a hard copy, nor could I find a copy on my computer.  I decided that maybe it was in my old, old computer, and so I made the journey over to Ahwautukee and fished it out of one of the boxes.  Luckily it was there, I was able to update it, and have sent it off to my dad to do some changes/polishing.  Hopefully my dad can get to that soon, and I can start getting the resume out and about.  I would really love to find a job sometime in the near future!  Luckily the hours that I will be coaching will not affect my ability to find a job.

Better Day

Today was a better day for the most part.  After waking up and getting ready I went over to Jaime's house for most of the day.  She is doing a lot of crafty type projects that she needed my help with.  I'm not sure that I was really too helpful, (actually quite the opposite I'm afraid haha,) but it was a nice distraction for me.  We also went out to lunch at the Olive Garden, which was good but definitely a challenge.  I still kept thinking of the competition from time to time, but I was able to stay more positive about it.  A few girls and some Moms texted me from time to time, so that was nice, but hard at the same time... I will be glad when this meet is over, and they get back to practice as "normal."  It's all still pretty fresh and raw.

Another hard day...

Today was a pretty hard day overall.  I went to the pool to work on some suits, and got there I noticed that the pictures that I had up with me in them where all down and in a drawer.  I was supposed to have a private with the president's daughter, but I decided that I really couldn't go through with it so I cancelled it.  Unfortunately I was not able to get out of there early enough and she ran and caught me, (even though I tried to go around the other way.)  I'm not sure what her goal was, but she ended up making me feel worse about the situation.  I told her that I felt that I had been set up for all of this, and she basically made me feel like I was imagining things.  I don't think I'm imagining things... I think there was a plan, and I think that plan was to replace me.

It's all been a little harder today as well because this weekend is the Cactus Classic, and of course I am not there.  It's pretty difficult to know that there is a meet going on while I am at home, and to make matters worse I feel that I am not missed.  It may also be the case that certain people are ecstatic that I'm not there... It's all very disheartening and humiliating.

Tomorrow is a new day though, and I'm going to really try and turn things around for myself.  I want very badly to be able to get past this, and create some kind of life for myself.  I mean things really can't get that much worse can they?  Gosh I really hope not!!

Long days...

So now that I don't have a job anymore, my days seem to drag on and on... Each day feels like 2 or 3, and I feel like I'm spinning in circles.  I have been going in for a while during the day to work on the suits, but I try to make sure to be out of there before anyone gets there.  Yesterday I didn't realize it and Jessica got there really early for a private.. It was pretty awkward and I got out of there as fast as I could.  It's weird to feel like that somewhere that has basically been my life for so many years... I have mixed feelings still.  I feel a tremdous amount of relief, but I still feel really sad for the way things happened, and for the relationships I have now lost.  I just hope that this will all get easier with time!

This afternoon I went out to lunch with Paul and Laura at the "Pita Jungle."  I have never been there before, and was a little overwhelmed by the menu, but ended up liking what I got.  I also had a very nice time chatting with them, and felt suppported, which was great.  I will definitely miss seeing them at the pool! 

So now what???

Frustrated

Well a different day, a different emotion!  Today I have been feeling really frustrated and also a bit angry... Although I know I need a break from synchro and to try new things, I am pissed that essentially I was pushed out.  I'm the one ending up looking like the "bad guy," and that is really unfair, especially considering the circumstances.  I am also angry because my contract says that I am not supposed to provide coaching services for any other swimmer or team in Arizona, and that essentially keeps me trapped for a year.  I already have offers to help other teams in the area, so I would really like to help out and be able to continue to earn a living.  I have also had offers from other teams in the US, which I am not considering right now, but it has done a lot to help brighten the situation for me.  It's nice to feel wanted. :-)   

Today I also changed my e-mail address.  Of course I'll still have to check my old one for a while, but I figured that I would like a new e-mail to go along with my fresh start.  I also used the opportunity to let a lot of my synchro friends know that I am no longer with the team.  They said I can still do privates, but we'll see... It might be hard for me to do that if someone else is getting all the credit, (and someone who has hurt me nonetheless.)  I do need the money though, so I guess I will have to think about it.   

Heartbroken

Today I am feeling really sad... Although I still feel relieved, I also feel thrown out like garbage.  After all these years in the sport and this is how it ends for me?  I'm not sure how to get over these feelings... It hurts like hell.  :-( 

On a positive note I have started applying for other jobs. Nothing important or anything just retail... I hope I can find something soon to keep me occupied and busy.  I am already feeling lost and confused, so I need to find some purpose again ASAP.  Hopefully something will work out...

Later in the day...
Cycling through different emotions all day... Sadness, hopelessness, anger, worthlessness, relief, hope... It's all been rather exhausting.  I feel like my "life got flipped turned upside down," and I am trying to figure out where to go from here.  Luckily I am in a position in my life that I can try to start over, and I'm just trying to find the will and the strength to fight.  It's truly been a minute by minute battle.  I hope that soon I may be able to find some peace within my self and in my life. I am going to try and hang on... 

Relieved

I have been back home from practice now for a few hours and I feel really relieved.  It was difficult for me to tell the girls and to say "good bye," but I do feel that I got a pretty nice send off, (people seemed to care anyway.)  They asked if I would still be willing to do privates and I said "yes," and I also e-mailed that I would be willing to be a figure specialist and named my price.  I don't know what will come of that, but I put it out there so the ball is in their court.  If it works out, great... If not, then that's fine too.  I am finally free of the pressure regardless, so I am pretty content at the moment.  Of course now I'll have to figure out what's next, and I really have no idea... Hopefully I can find something at least temporarily to have something to do and have some more money coming in.  I will probably start to apply to some retail places this weekend, and will try to find a place to get my resume done soon.

We also got a letter from Blue Cross and it looks like they are reversing the previous decision to deny coverage for my inpatient treatment!  If that is the case it is certainly really good news, and we can breathe a little sigh of relief!  My Mom will call CFC first thing on Monday morning to see if we are reading it right, but my Mom seems to be really confident that she is... I will wait to get too excited until Monday, but hopefully some more pieces will start to fall into place for me soon!  

Done

I did it... I officially resigned as Head Coach for the club effective tomorrow at 3:00... It is a pretty sad way for me to end things after all that I have been through with the club, but I am also very relieved.  The pressure has been incredible, and I constantly felt like I wasn't good enough.  Now I feel like I can move on with my life, and hopefully create a whole new reality for myself.  I am no longer chained down by the weight and perfectionistic nature of synchronized swimming, and I can have a chance to live a whole different kind of life.  Although I am scared, I am also excited.  I hope this will be the change I need in my life to help me move forward and find the things I have been searching for.  Perhaps I'll be able to find some self confidence, some new passions, and maybe even some fun...Tomorrow will start my whole new life! 

Yah...

So tonight did not go very well unfortunately... I went into the board meeting to share how I feel about things, (and how the nasty e-mail made me feel,) and they started picking apart everything that I said.  They made me feel so mentally and emotionally inferior and I lost it... I said "I can't do this anymore and walked out." I guess that means I'm done... After everything I have done for the team, and after all the heartache and sacrifice, I'm simply disposable.  What a way to end.  I'm absolutely devastated, yet relieved at the same time.  Now where to go from here??

Crossroads

So after a few very rough days I find myself at a crossroads... It seems as if my skills are no longer valued at my job, so I am considering resigning.  It's difficult because I have put my heart and soul into the team, and have given everything I have.  I sacrificed my health and well being, and unfortunately have put myself into a position where I now have nothing else in my life.  Internally I am torn because I still love synchro, and I love the girls, but I hate it at the same time.  It's a very perfectionistic environment, and it never feels that what I am doing is good enough.  I always feel that I'm expected to do more, produce more, win more.  I am held to a standard that is very unforgiving... It has paralyzed me, and has made me incredibly depressed and sick.  So a huge part of me is screaming to "get out now!" but I feel stuck as I'm not sure what else I would do.  My confidence has taken a huge beating, and I don't feel qualified to do anything else.  My parents are saying "stay and fight," but I don't have the fight in me.  Unfortunately though I also don't feel that I have the strength to start a job search. I just don't know what to do... I feel lost and confused, and it's a very scary position to be in.   

So I wrote the above a little earlier today, and tonight I am feeling slightly better.  Although I am still not sure what I want to do, I do know that I am no longer willing to sell my soul indefinitely to the team.  Just in making that decision it makes me feel a little more free.  I guess at this point we'll see what happens tomorrow...  

Better Days!

So the last couple of days have been much better then Wednesday and Thursday.  Although today was a really long day at the pool, I was much calmer, and didn't feel nearly as "revved up."  I am still pretty anxious about the amount of work I still have to do, but I will just keep working hard and hopefully things will all fall into place.  I guess if things don't fall into place it's not the end of the world... although I know it may feel that way!

Tonight I am just hanging at home and relaxing. Tomorrow I'll probably go to the pool for a little bit to do some glitter work, and perhaps I'll try to go for a swim.  I still feel really uncomfortable in a swim suit, but I do enjoy swimming, and would love to build up my upper body again. I have been running and riding a bike quite a bit, so hopefully I'll feel like I'm back in shape soon...  Of course Olga says I need to lose quite a bit of weight, (and she is constantly talking at me,) but I'm trying to silence her as much as possible and trust my treatment team instead.  It is definitely a huge challenge though, and it can be really confusing because I don't know what is real and what's not.  I hope that eventually it won't be so hard... It's absolutely exhausting.  I am trying to stay positive though!  :-)
         

Turbulence

Today has been another rough day... I just don't understand what's going on with me.  I was having a lot of trouble in my appointment... I couldn't stay present and I couldn't think straight.  I started shaking and crying and it was really confusing... I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Synchro is pretty stressful right now... I'm trying to finish all the routines, (quite frantically at this point,) and decided to just add a trio and combo.  I don't know if I'm making the best decision on this, but they've been started now so I guess I'll have to make it work somehow.  It doesn't help that I am seriously doubting my abilities, and feel like I am going to fail miserably.  I try to stay positive and go in there each day fresh, but the pressure has really been intense, and I'm not sure how I will manage to hold up during this competition season.  I think if I can have a realy productive practice on Saturday though it will certainly help me feel a bit more at ease.  I'm really worried I may have a major breakdown at some point.  I sure hope that won't be the case though.

Tomorrow will be a more relaxing day as I just have a couple of privates, and perhaps I'll work on the suits a little.  Otherwise I'm going to try and take it a bit easy as it seems as if I get overwhelmed very easily these days.  I will try and run again though, as it seems to help me a little bit with my stress level and bit and gives me a sense of accomplishment.  I like to run a little further each time so I feel like I"m making progress.  Sometimes I can do it and sometimes I can't... Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to!

Stormy Ride

So today has been pretty weird... This morning I felt really excited, a little restless, and quite spastic, but it has progressively turned into extreme frustration and agitation.  I don't know what is going on with me, but it's terrible... This morning I kind of liked it, but tonight I feel like I want to pull my hair out.  I just don't know what to do with myself, and I feel like I could be really self destructive.  I really hope I don't feel like this tomorrow... It is a very stormy ride!

I had a bit of a hard therapy session yesterday, and Betsy was asking me a lot of questions about my past.  It seems that she thinks that I may have gone through some trauma...  Unfortunately I don't remember much, and have been trying really hard to recall anything.  I talked to my Mom for quite a while, and this morning she tried her best to put everything she knew down on a timeline. I'm hoping that if I can remember anything that it might spark more memories. This afternoon I even called my dad to ask him, but it seemed that he remembered even less than my Mom...  I'm hoping that something will come to me soon, so far all I have are feelings, and vague little clips that I don't even know are real.  It's really frustrating. 

Tonight I was so agitated I had a bit of a hard practice... I didn't have any patience, and I felt a constant race against time which stressed me out more.  I think I'm trying to do too much, but I really want the girls to have as many opportunities as possible.  Hopefully in the next week or so we'll be able to finish up some more things so I can feel a little calmer about everything!

Phew!

I'm back home from Tucson now and am overall pretty happy.  We won most categories that we were entered in, and I'm feeling pretty positive about the season so far.  Unfortunately I had a bit of a rough day yesterday... I think the day was just a little too long for me, and there was no real opportunities to have a break.  You go from coaching to judging, to coaching and back and forth so it's a bit hard.  I also waited way too long to eat last night, and got a bit emotional.  I think it was the combination of just being really tired, not feeling so great, and stress.  I also didn't drive so I felt a bit trapped, and sometimes I have trouble when I don't have any private time. Of course I was also being pretty hard on myself, as I never quite feel that what I have done is good enough... It's just a bit scary because when I fall I fall really hard, and when I feel like that I really just want to give up. Tonight I'm definitely feeling better though... I just wish I could find a little more consistent balance.

Tomorrow I have the day off from synchro so I am very happy about that!  I'm trying to think what I might do... It doesn't happen too often haha. I think maybe it will be a good day to chill with my "babies" and perhaps do a little organizing.  Since I'm staying at my Mom's house, I have less space, and I really need to go through everything as I'm sure I can throw a lot away.  Otherwise I think it will just make me feel better to be more organized.  Maybe it might also be a good day to go to the movies or something!

Tonight I ran again... It was super hard.  I am trying to build up my endurance though, and hopefully it will get a little easier with time.  It  gives me something to work toward, so for that reason I really like doing it, (well I like it after the fact anyway haha.) I would one day love to be able to do a half marathon... I'm not sure I'll ever get to that point though.  It would require me to start liking running a little more. I'm hoping it will grow on me though haha.  I guess we shall see!

Looking for courage!

So we have our first routine meet of the season this weekend in Tucson.  It's not a very important meet, but of course we all want to have a good showing.  I am a little nervous to see how I will be able to handle the stress, (and the meet schedule.)  In the past I have ALWAYS restricted, and I'm not sure I will be able to avoid doing that this weekend.  Things get busy, and I get stressed, and before I know it the day is gone and I haven't eaten, (or have eaten very little.)  I am worried that this will happen again, but honestly I'm even more worried that I want this to happen again.  The stupid little voice, (Olga,) in my head just chattering at me non-stop... "Jill it would be really fun to see how long you can go without eating."  Or "Jill how about just eating fruit from now on."  It goes on and on... Olgas ideas of fun are endless, continuous and always very loud!

Beyond that I am going to try and have a fun time.... I really enjoy spending time with my swimmers and most of the parents, and of course the other coaches.  It is important to me that everyone leaves Tucson feeling positive and energized for the future.  We have a great group, so hopefully that goal will be able to be reality. Of course I will do my best!

Ok now just to vent a little about living with the parentals at this stage in my life... Although it is helpful and I need to be here for several reasons, it is very hard.  I feel like I have no privacy, and I am not used to that.  My Mom, (although meaning well,) is always there drilling me with questions, and a lot of times just looking at me.  I tell her that this makes me really uncomfortable and can she please not watch me, but she still does it all the time.  To make matters worse she often does it when I'm trying to eat something, which is certainly not helpful for me, and in fact makes me want to throw the food and refuse to eat.  I know that is not the answer so I have not acted on those impulses, but it's getting harder and harder for me and I am starting to feel a little rebelious.  I know this is silly, but when my frustration reaches a high level I'm not sure quite how to handle it unfortunately.  Hopefully I won't have to stay here for too much longer, and I will be able to move on with my life.  Step 1 still has to happen though... The short sale of my condo needs to go through.  It is just taking forever so it's been a bit disheartening.  I'm hoping things can turn around soon though, and I will be able to make plans for my future.  Having no plans makes me feel really stuck and aimless... I need to have things to get excited about, and things to work toward, otherwise recovery just seems rather pointless.  It would be great to have some dreams again... I think I am too scared to dream or hope for anything, as I fear I will never be able to get there, or I will be too hurt in the process.  I guess you could say that I seriously doubt my own abilities, and my abilities to be able to handle situatuations and the emotions that go with that.  This is a hurdle that I know I will need to be able to get past in order for my life to really change.  I hope one day I can find the strength and courage.

Today

Today was a pretty good day overall.  I was able to follow my meal plan for the most part, and I'm feeling a little bit of hope which is always a relief.  Thankfully I was also able to see Brina today, and that is always very comforting and helpful.  :-)

Tonight's practice was also pretty good.  Although I don't have everything swimming this weekend at the meet, I am feeling pretty confident about what is swimming.  I had been feeling pretty frustrated about the team routine, but tonight they swam it pretty well.  Hopefully they will be able to keep it together and have a strong showing this weekend.  Perhaps this year we can break the streak of swimming better at practice versus the competition... That would definitely be nice!! 

Tomorrow I am going to try to go "cold turkey" soda free... I'm not sure I will be able to do it, but I am going to try my best.  I realized I am not good with moderation, and although I have tried, I seem to be back into heavy consumption...  I guess it wouldn't be a huge problem if I wouldn't use it as a food substitute, but I do quite often so I know it's not a healthy thing for me to be doing. I might have picked an extra challenging time to start with the meet being this weekend though... Haha, wish me luck!!

   

Hump Day

Today has been a pretty good day overall, but I made some decisions last night that I am very ashamed about, and it's been haunting me a bit today.  My treatment team is encouraging me to not beat myself up over it, but it's hard to not be disappointed and feel like I'm failing at recovery.  That being said though I have yet to give up, and hopefully one day things will become easier and it won't be such a constant battle. I am glad that I see Brina, (my dietician,) tomorrow as I could certainly use the support right now!  I wish I could see them more often!

Depression seems to be a bit of a problem for me lately... A bit like a rollercoaster ride actually, and it's exhausting.  I go from various feelings of "no problem, I can totally do this," but in the next breath I may feel totally hopeless and without energy for life..  I wish I could just have clear thoughts and a clear vision on how to move forward!

This weekend we have our first routine competition of the season in Tucson. Unforunately my team is a little "under the weather" in various ways, and we will have to scratch a bunch of stuff, and or water down by swimming a shortened versions of the routines.  It's not ideal by any means, but it is what it is at this point, and I can only do what I can do.  Luckily it's not an important meet, and hopefully we'll be back up and running full speed again very soon... I'm trying to stay positive anyway!

Slipping...

The last week or so has been pretty rough, and I feel like I'm slipping back into old behaviors and habits.  When times get stressful it's so easy to do, (and comfortable,) and of course Ed is always so seducing.  My body image is completely in the toilet, and unfortunately I have resorted to restricting.  It doesn't help that I'm feeling a bit grossed out by my Mom, (as it seems like she is always eating,) and it is a huge trigger today.  I have eaten but have not followed my meal plan at all, am drinking way too much diet soda, and at this point in the day would like to completely fast.  I am trying to think logically though as this is not the direction I want to go, but pulling myself out of the quick sand today is proving to be extremely difficult...

Work has also been a bit frustrating.  Unfortunately it seems that we are having some bad luck, and I currently have a lot of unhealthy swimmers, (shoulder issues, appendix, possible mono and other health issues.)  I am trying to not let it stress me out to much, but we have our first competition next weekend, and I don't know who will be able to swim... Luckily it's not an important competition, but it is still stressful, as we are not able to prepare as we need to.  We have Zones in 6 weeks, and JR Nationals won't be too far after that.  I need my people healthy and training!  Hopefully things will turn around very soon, otherwise the season might be a loss. :-( 

I'm feeling like a need some space at the moment, and I'm not quite sure how to accomplish that while living at my Mom's house. It's just too much, and I'm not sure how to handle it with her, because it usually turns into a fight.  I don't want it to be like this, but I am an adult and I'm used to living alone and doing my own thing. I don't want to have to answer questions all day long, and I don't want to feel like I'm having to answer for everything I do.  It's just hard... I think I am ready to have my own place again, but it's still going to be a while.  The short sale of my condo is going very slowly, and I can't seem to get ahead financially.  It also will be pretty impossible for me to get a place with my current income..... Hopefully I will be able to find a part time job that I like that can help supplement!  It will take actually looking though, which is something I have really not done yet. 

Okay I've done a lot of complaining here haha... For the rest of the day I am going to search for all the positives in my life and try to focus on those for a while.  Perhaps that will help turn things around for me!

Just babbling...

So I don't really have much exciting to say, but I do feel like writing a bit so I will just babble haha.  I don't really think anyone reads this anyway so it really doesn't matter too much! ;-)

Anyway, I am doing okay, but feeling a little down and thinking a lot... It's been hard to turn my brain off the last couple of days, and it's been hard for me to feel attached to things going on around me, or to really engage in any conversation.  Yesterday my Mom and I went to the movies, (and I can't even remember the name of it... Something with Joy in it,) and then to lunch.  The movie was pretty good, but it was a little awkward with my Mom unfortunately, and we got into a bit of a fight.  We just think so differently that it's hard to relate to one another sometimes, and I think we both get really frustrated.  We ended up okay, but it did make the afternoon quite tense for a while.  Hopefully our next outing will go a little better!

Otherwise I am taking it day by day and trying to look for new hope and inspiration constantly.  I don't really feel that I'm getting anywhere sometimes, but although I stumble occasionally, (today Ed won one battle,) I don't really feel that I have gone backwards so that is something I'm trying to hold on to.  Hopefully at some point things will get easier and I'll be able to move forward again... Until then, I'm just trying to hang on and fight every day, sometimes hour by hour. :-) 

Another Friday night in paradise.

So I find myself sitting here in the "car room," at my Mom and step dad's house, alone on yet another Friday night. I have spent many of these fabulous nights over the years, as it seems that I am just not able to create anything more for myself.  On one hand I am relieved as this is the safe and comfortable option, but on the other hand it's very sad and lonely... I wonder if there will ever be anything more for me?  I wonder if I will ever be able to take "life by the horns," and live life to it's fullest?  I worry that this is all... I worry that I will never have what it takes to be able to go after anything more...  I worry that I will continue as I am for the rest of my life... At times is just seems to hopeless, and it's during those difficult times that I want to give up.

I have yet to give up though... I am still trying.  I am still waking up every single day hoping and praying that today might be the day that I am able to be the Jill I dream of.  I put one foot in front of the other, and forge forward despite the sometimes oppressive fear and depression.  I look for rays of hope amongst the clouds, and I scramble in the dark for a flashlight.  How long can I keep this up?  I don't know... Today I am trying to find the strength and the will to persevere for yet another day. 

_____________________

Yesterday I find out that Blue Cross/Blue Shield has decided to ask for all the money back that they paid for my treatment.  That amounts to about $50,000, and oh yah, please submit payment within 21 days.  OMG... Talk about something taking the air right out of you!  It's like a nightmare coming true, and the reality was that I did not know how I was going to be able to make it through this.  I immediately felt sick to my stomach and like I might pass out... I didn't know what to do, and I felt extreme anxiety.  I broke down sobbing in a panic, and my Mom was left trying to console me.  I felt that my life was over, and I was sure that I had ruined life for my entire family...

Today there is a bit of hope though... The Center For Change is appealing, and they will be fighting it with their attorneys.  They seem to feel confident that Blue Cross is in the wrong, so I pray that very soon this will all be cleared up, and we will be able to put this behind us!!

Trying to find my rainbow.

So I find myself  feeling pretty down and super frustrated tonight...  I am not sure why exactly, except that I am just feeling like I am going nowhere fast, and I do not know if I am capable of making the changes that I need to make in order for my life to be different.  I feel really stuck, and I don't know where to go from here.  I guess I was hoping to come out of CFC this magically different person, ready and able to now conquer the world... Unfortunately though that's not the case, and in the end I am the same old Jill with the same fears and insecurities.  I'm trying to look at it like I'm still a "work in progress," and that all takes time, but it's hard when you feel hopeless.  I guess I just wish I had a clear path to enlightenment... I wish I had things to look forward to.  I wish I still had goals and dreams, and some spark for life.  Instead though I feel heavy, I feel weighed down, and I feel unable to break free from the chains that bind me to my old way of thinking and living.  I feel that I have imprisoned myself in a cage that I may never be able to break free from.  I feel alone, I feel scared, and I'm not sure how much longer I can continue to feel this way...  It is a very dark place to be, but I am trying to be brave and I am trying to look toward the future. I am hoping that the new day will bring me clarity, and I will be able to see through the fog and the rain.  In order for this to happen though I need to dig down deep within my soul to find the will to continue on.  I need to find the life within me.  I hope and pray that there is something there and I can find the strength to push foward.  Can I do this?  I don't know... Tomorrow I will start a quest to find "my rainbow."       

Much Better!

I had a much better day today, and am so very thankful for that.  I was able to express my feelings about the interaction that I had with that dad last night, and I had therapy which certainly helped.  This was my first therapy session with this therapist that I was able to feel "real," and it felt really nice to be supported and understood.  I also feel a slight bit of hope, which can be rare to come by these days.  Hopefully tomorrow can be even better, and I can keep working toward having the life that I dream about! 

Another One Bites the Dust!

So today was a pretty rough day overall. I guess you could say that work is getting to me in a big way... I had 2 dads be pretty rude to me, and it seems I have completely lost all my confidence for coaching unfortunately.  I think there is a big part of me that wants to move on, but I'm not sure what else I would do, and I'm not sure I have the mental energy and strength to start over. I don't really feel qualified to do anything, and I would also feel really guilty leaving the team and "my girls."  It's all very overwhelming and scary.  Tonight it became clear to me that I need to do something though, (after crying for 2 hours straight.)  I either need to find a balance and accept myself in regards to coaching, or I need to move on and try something else...

I think I also realized that I have been trying so hard to be "all better," and have been putting on a bit of a "front" so to say.  I feel that there are all these expectations, (and from myself as well,) to be this brand new awesome person, but unfortunately it just doesn't work that way.  Truth is that I am still struggling with all the issues that made my ED so strong to begin with, and although my ED might be under control at the moment, the other stuff is unraveling fast.  I worry that it might be only a matter of time before I relapse, and that is absolutely terrifying.  I think about everything that my parents have sacrificed in order for me to go to CFC, and I don't want to let them down.  I also don't want to let me treatment team down, (from CFC or here.)  I try very hard to be this "perfect" person, and because perfection isn't possible I am setting myself up for failure.  All of this I logically know, but emotionally it's a different story.  Emotionally I am crippled and "broken."  I am trying not to lose hope though, and I pray that tomorrow will bring me more perspective, peace and clarity.